The Baby Dust Diaries

New Blog!

Paige — Wed, 21 May 2008 16:21:38 -0400

I'm trying out WordPress. I can't import all of my old posts so for now I'm keeping this blog up for those. If you aren't automatically forwarded please click HERE to visit me on Word Press.

CD #14: He/She and Pro-?

Paige — Wed, 21 May 2008 11:03:36 -0400

Wow, today I don't have to do anything infertility related. No shots. No bloodwork. No ultrasound. Nothing.

I think I'll take the opportunity to talk about some unrelated or marginally related things that have been on my mind lately.

First, completely unrelated to infertility: I love Hillary Clinton. I really wanted her to be our next president. However I loathe primaries. Democrats fighting democrats makes me sick! The minutia of differences between Hillary and Barrak's platforms are infinitesimal yet they get blown out into an "us" or "them" fight. Us or them? We are we! Anyways that's not my point. I can securely get behind Obama if that is what the party decides (although I think I'll write him a letter about his stance on NASA - which is a little weak and nearsighted). Anywho, my real point about bringing this up is that I am so pleased that discussion of the next president now includes the phrase "he or she". What a great development in American evolution! Young girls growing up are hearing subconsciously that they can be president. Of course we might tell them overtly that they can be anything they want but never underestimate the power of the subtle language patterns in society.

Ok, my next one is related to infertility and it is pretty controversial/deep. I am a feminist (of course! don't get me started on women that don't consider themselves feminists!). I am also a Christian. Often it seems that neither the twain shall meet. This gives me a unique, although not difficult in my opinion, stance on abortion. As a Christian - heck, as a human - I abhor the death toll that abortion brings and I firmly believe that life begins at conception. I feel a divine spark in the idea of conception; it is beautiful and miraculous and with purpose - not accidental. However, I am deeply shamed by Christians who act in a very un-Christ-like manner about abortion. From outright harassment and hatred (can you picture Christ doing that?) to extreme measures to change the law of the land, Christians give themselves (and me) a bad name. I espouse an apparently unique view that I can be a good Christian and believe in the separation of church and state. I don't understand why some Christians feel that their primary goal is to enforce their doctrine on the whole country. I do not believe that was the great commission. We are to go out and tell the good news not enforce Christianity as law. Fine, I hear people saying "but someone has to look out for the unborn!" Great, I agree it tears my soul out to know that innocent babies are dying. That doesn't mean I feel I can exact my worldview of when life begins on someone else who feels their view is as valid as mine. God has a judgment day for this reason. If you want to combat abortion do it like Jesus would have with love and compassion and education. Not only will this be living like Christ instead of like tyrants but it is actually more effective.

Which is my long preamble to how infertility effects one's opinion of abortion. I know that I still firmly believe that laws against abortion are at best discriminatory and at worst dangerous to women. However, my whole "sanctity of life" views are so much more tangible now. It isn't just something I "believe" because that is my particular choice in moral compass but I feel it. I know (more than I ever imagine I would) what an amazing miracle conception is and that there is absolutely positively no such thing as an unwanted baby. Maybe you don't want her but someone does, trust me. Seeing my sisters in infertility struggle with miscarriage, failed cycles, and lost hope just drive home the perfect gift that a baby is. Always. Not sometimes. Always a perfect gift.

Does this mean I am suddenly wanting to overturn Roe v. Wade? Of course not. I believe that a society is only as free as its most subjugated class. I feel 100% in my heart that freedom of and from religion is the best possible environment for my religion and yours - whatever that may be. It does mean that I believe that infertile women and men have a unique perspective from which to educate society about the alternatives to abortion. It does mean that I shed an extra tear to hear that another pregnancy has been terminated when I would give anything to get pregnant. It is a deeper, soul-wrenching familiarity with pregnancy and pregnancy loss - both artificial and natural - that makes us kindred spirits with those contemplating abortion. We have seen inside pregnancy and conception in a way that no one else ever has. Not mothers, not abortion doctors, not pro-lifers, not pro-choicers. We have lived in these trenches and I think that gives us a valuable and unique perspective on abortion. It makes me want to say to the pro-lifer "you don't really know what you are talking about" and to the pro-choicer "you don't really get it either." I don't disrespect either of these groups (except the crazy militant ones) but I just feel I know in a way that they can't.

Am I pro-life? Am I pro-choice? Am I a good feminist? Am I a good Christian?

I am all and more of these. I am infertile.

CD #13: The Harvest Moon

Paige — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:46:49 -0400

The moon is full tonight and tonight I do my trigger HCG shot at 9PM. Perfect time for an early spring harvest don't you think?

My ovaries look spectacular like bubbling balls of follicles. I'm so proud of them! Here is an example of an ultrasound of a superovulated ovary. The black areas are follicles. Mine are all around 18mm which means they are mature.

My estrogen level was 4.259. Yikes! Most doctors consider you at high risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) if it is above 3,000. The Nurse said I would get albumin with my sedative at my Egg Retrieval (ER).

So, ER. Basically with the aid of transvaginal ultrasound (our friend the dildocam) they use a long needle to suck all the fluid out of the follicles (all the black area in the above ultrasound). This contains the egg although they aren't actually finding the egg when they retrieve. They just try to get all the fluid and the egg will be in there. Here is the best image I could find about how this works.

Fun, huh? Yes, you are seeing correctly - that is a long needle being poked through the vaginal wall. If ever two words should never be together - needle and vaginal wall are it.

While I'm in surgery for ER, DH will be "producing" a sample. Since we have MF they will use intercytoplasmic spern injection (ICSI pronounced ick see) to fertilize the eggs. Here is an image of ICSI.

The thing on the left is a pipett used to keep the egg in place and the thing coming in from the right is the needle with a single sperm cell in it.

I'm so excited to have made it to this point! I actually have eggs! I pray they are mature and healthy and that they fertilize. Just thinking about fertilization gives me goosebumps - for the first time ever a part of me and a part of DH will combine to make a new life. That will be so affirming.

CD #11: Dreaming of HPT

Paige — Sun, 18 May 2008 15:31:45 -0400

Sooo, today I started thinking about home pregnancy tests (HPT). I'm on a great message board for IF called Hannah's Prayer. Lots of the ladies there are POAS addicts (POAS = Pee On A Stick, aka take a HPT). They start POAS as soon as their Embryo Transfer so they can see the HCG shot get out of their system.

//pause for family and friends:
You take HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) to make you ovulate right before Egg Retrieval. So, a HPT would be false positive since this is what HPT test for.
//pause

So once they start getting negatives then they continue to test so that when they get light positives they know it isn't the shot but their embies producing HCG.

The alternative, of course, is to wait patiently for the beta blood test that the doctor does that is much more accurate.

So which am I? A wait for the beta person? or a POASer?

CD #10: insert witty post title here

Paige — Sat, 17 May 2008 19:26:36 -0400

It is a cruel fact of reality that 6AM comes at the same time every day even on the weekends. :( I let DH sleep since he has a harder time getting back to sleep if he wakes up (I could sleep anytime anywhere) and stabbed myself with 20 Lupron and 100 Follistim.

There are definitely things happening in my body and I'm trying to focus on that. I'm actually taking heart that my ovaries are sore and that my left one is even having sharp pains. Maybe that's the egg that will be my son or daughter - already giving me a hard time! I am definitely irritable - like repetitive noises make me want to stab someone (what is it with men and mouth noises?). Poor DH is being so great.

I am SO attractive right now! I have a pimple on my chin, my stomach is a rainbow of different ages of bruises as is my right arm, and I've gained 4 lbs. in one week. And of course this is all compounded by my rosy demeanor. Grrrrr.

Through it all I remember: This opportunity is a miracle. I wasn't supposed to get to do IVF with all its ups and downs. I am thankful for the pimple, and the bruises, and the weight (?, ok, not so much), and the bitchiness because it is all thanks to a wonderful foundation that believes people deserve to have their best shot at a biological family. God bless this foundation and its people, you know who you are.

C'mon follicles, grow! 11mm by Monday! You can do it!

CD #9: Little Follies, Big E2

Paige — Fri, 16 May 2008 21:01:44 -0400

/Sigh

I know you aren't supposed to compare your progress on stims to the progress of others and that I should trust my doctors on my protocol but it is so hard sometimes. I had monitoring this morning and all my follicles are under 10mm still which didn't really bother me because I want them to grow healthy not fast. But here's the problem - my e2 was over 1,000.

Is that really a problem? Maybe not. I just hang on every word the nurse says when she calls. And not just the words the tone, inflection, even the volume of her voice. I feel it all holds some mysterious truth to my cycle. She said, "you are sensitive to the meds." What does that mean? She said, "we don't want your e2 to get higher without those follicles growing." Could that happen? ...increased panic...is that happening? Maybe I can't grow eggs! My IUI's were always with one despite stims. She said to only take 100IU of follistim for the next two days and come back on Monday. Why so low? What's wrong with me?

Basically all of this spirals in my mind until I'm wound up like a Jack-in-the-Box with a huge rock on the lid. The thing is that she wouldn't even have told me about my e2 level if I didn't ask and then I caused her to explain. She didn't sound worried or like this was greatly unusual. I got home and read in one of my (many) IF books that the reduction is stims signals your body to stop producing follicles and to start growing the ones you have. That sounds perfect. I don't want 20 eggs, 10-12 sound perfect to me (less snowflakes, no OHSS). The fact that my body is sensitive to the meds is better than not responding, right?

This should all be making me feel better. But, somehow I can't help but be in this state of worry tonight. I've been so good about relaxing and enjoying the ride of this cycle. Tonight though I feel like I can't breathe with worry and my lips are tingling like mad (s/e of zoloft when you get stressed). I just want to cry and sleep for 4 days. There is this huge lump in my throat. I can almost feel my baby in my arms and it is like she is being pulled out of my embrace by some unseen and malevolent force.

In the back of my mind I have the realization that I might be feeling this way because of the meds. Worry won't help my eggs grow. Obsessing about my e2 isn't going to make it drop. Maybe this happens all the time. I need to go along for the ride. It is all decided by God already anyways. I'm just here to experience what is already planned.

I have to trust and let go and breathe.

Oh yeah, and good news: my lining is 15mm!

I'm 8 days pregnant

Paige — Thu, 15 May 2008 11:07:34 -0400

You have to read Jen's hilarious post about how she is official 1 day pregnant!

Since a pregnancy is calculated from the date of your last period, you are technically 2 weeks pregnant before sperm ever meets egg. So, if this cycle works - I am already 8 days pregnant.

I think I need to go lie down and put my feet up!

CD #8: Mittelschmerz and Pedicures

Paige — Thu, 15 May 2008 08:04:50 -0400

Ok, I'm feeling it now. My ovaries are so sore. I always thought I was lucky that I have mittelschmerz and know when I ovulate but it also means I can feel my ovaries all the time. Now they are kind of pulsating with a throbbing ache. It isn't unbearable but it is unpleasant. I am also exhausted - more exhausted than I've ever been. Yesterday we were cleaning out the stock room in my Library for an upcoming move (we are getting awesome new digs!) and I just felt so tired and a little light headed and I had to sit down.

My e2 was 398 yesterday (up from 29 last Friday at baseline) so that was good. I'm continuing on with 225 Follistim, 20 Lupron except I'm supposed to skip Follistim tonight, resume Follistim tomorrow morning and then go back for monitoring. They also started my surgical paperwork for Egg Retrieval because I'm "looking good." I can tell it is working because of the pain and also the TONS of EWCM (if you don't already know what that means then trust me you don't want to know).

I have an appointment with my counselor today and I'm thinking of canceling and getting a pedicure instead. Hey, spa treatments are therapy too!

CD #7: The Law of Infertility

Paige — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:32:11 -0400

I am mentally compiling a list of "Laws of Infertility" that I will one day write down here. But, today I learned an important one:

"Thou shalt trust thy Follistim pen!"

I went in for ultrasound and bloodwork this morning and everything looks fine. My follies are still small but I have 6 measurable ones on the L and 4 on the right. No lead follicle developing. They said I looked "normal" for being on the 3rd day of stims.

Whew!

CD #6: part 2

Paige — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:00:48 -0400

Oh NO!!!! I got panicky about that extra 75 dose this morning and I called my clinic. They want me to come in tomorrow to make sure everything is ok. OMG, I'm so worried that I messed everything up! They did tell me to just do my regular dose tonight and tomorrow. What is the likelihood that one 75 extra on stim day 2 could mess the whole thing up? This is going to be a sleepless night!

CD #6: Follistim Follies

Paige — Tue, 13 May 2008 15:01:57 -0400

No not THAT kind of follies, as in follicles, actual follies as in "it would be folly to make a woman on Follistim angry."

This morning I took my 3rd 225 unit dose of Follistim out of the Follistim Pen with a vial of 600 units. Ok, let's do the math: 225 + 225 + 225 = ? Well, more than 600! So the pen is supposed to tell you when the vial is empty, you add another vial and finish your dose. The pen did the whole dose. So either the pen is broken, I gave myself too little yesterday, or I (and DH) are insane! I loaded a new vial and gave myself the additional 75 units.

Did I give myself too much? Not enough yesterday? Am I experiencing Ovarian Psychosis? Note to self, check dosage 3 times before stabbing!

CD #5: Madame Ovary

Paige — Mon, 12 May 2008 08:35:40 -0400

Ugh, I'm "looking" for side effects of the meds but all I feel is exteme exhaustion - I'm pretty sure I can't blame that on the 20 units of Lupron or the 225 units of Follistim DH stabbed me with this morning. I'm going to have to blame this on MONDAY.

I'm in a class this morning. This normally means that I will be bored and "multitasking" by checking email and hoping to find someone to chat with! ;)

Dear Madame Ovary,

Hi! I know that usually we ask you to slowly and carefully watch the amount of "weight" you put on in a month. Usually only 1 egg per month. I also know you have Mrs. Pituitary keeping you on your 1 egg diet. However, this month, Mrs. Pituitary will be vacationing in "Lupron-land." During this month you are allowed (in fact encouraged) to throw caution to the wind and gobble down FSH like it is going out of style! No holds barred! Grow as many eggs as you can baby! Don't worry about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), we have a team of doctors worrying about that. You just bathe in that warm wash of FSH!

Thank you for all of you work over the years!
Love,
Your Body

CD #4: The Lupron Vacation

Paige — Sun, 11 May 2008 18:34:44 -0400

Happy Mother's day to mothers and those who crave motherhood. I had a quiet and easy day. Slept in, played WoW and took our first shot of Lupron. I am feeling just very excited about getting started. I feel a little bit of fear that the time is here - it isn't about hope or looking forward now - it is happening now. It is kind of a mix of worry about every little thing I do and how it will effect the outcome and excitement of thinking about actually being pregnant after 9 long years.

The shot (it has been 2 years since our last one) caused a bit of anxiety for DH and I. We were so nervous but it didn't hurt as usual, just some itching at the injection site. Not a big deal. I'm trying to visualize the lupron slapping my pituitary around and telling it what to do.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Putuitary? Yes, we won't be needing your services this month. Please take this vacation courtesy of Lupron."

CD #3: BowFlex

Paige — Sat, 10 May 2008 21:18:10 -0400

We celebrated Mother's Day today since my husband has to work tomorrow. I decided after talking to the girls at Hannah's Prayer to stay off caffeine just so I won't regret it later. Needless to say my head is still throbbing. If I can stick it out I know it will be worth it. My parent's bought a bowflex so dad can still workout when his time in cardiac rehab wears off. It took like 5 hours to put it together! Geesh, for as expensive as they are it should come with that shirtless hot guy to put it together for you.

CD #2: Caffeine and Lubricants

Paige — Fri, 09 May 2008 09:42:40 -0400

Oh, dildocam how I missed thee.

So I had my baseline ultrasound/bloodwork for IVF #1 today! We are on our way. This is my first time for monitoring at this new clinic and they just gave me another reason to love them. They used lubricant on our friend the dildocam. The previous clinic said they CAN'T use lubricant because it "messes up the ultrasound." What a bunch of bull! I thought so at the time but was too meek to question it. I love my clinic!

So, if everything is ok with my bloodwork, I will start Lupron 20 units on Sunday evening and then Lupron 20 and Follistim 225 on Monday twice a day. I go back in for monitoring on Thursday the 15th. It is frustrating to have to wait some more but I guess that is the point of a "flare" protocol - to get that boost of FSH from my body before suppression.

//pause for family and friends:
Lupron is a drug that stops my body from producing any hormones itself to aid egg maturation because they want to control it with...
Follistim is a synthetic Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) that makes lots of eggs mature!
//end pause.

After I talked to the nurse about caffeine and she said it isn't a big deal! I don't know what to do now. I'm sitting here with a thumping headache because I haven't had any caffeine in 2 days and she's saying it isn't a big deal regardless of research to the contrary. What to do?

CD #1

Paige — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:52:47 -0400

Finally, CD 1 has arrived we can finally get the show on the road.

You would think that this would be a happy day since I finally got what I wanted but I had a really bad IF day. Two of my good friends are pregnant. One kept it from me so as not to hurt me, which always hurts 10x as bad. I'm just so frustrated at the injustice of it all. Why do some people get to be surrounded by children and I have to suffer with this pain that is just beyond explanation. It is like someone is squeezing my heart and I can't breath. I feel like I will die. It is such a simple thing I crave - a child to love. Is that too much to ask?

/cry

I don't want to be morose. I've been doing so good - thinking positive thoughts and doing my meditation. The day finally comes when I can start this miracle month of IVF brought on by God's grace and the kind heart of some very rich people and I'm bawling like an IF newbie. You would think 9 years would give me more backbone than this.

So I"m off to meditate so I can find my happy and hopeful center again. I pray to God that my ovaries shine this month with perfect eggs and that we could finally be blessed with the baby we yearn for. May I savor each day of the journey so that the prize is that much more appreciated.

2 Guided Meditation CDs for Infertility

Paige — Wed, 07 May 2008 13:47:11 -0400

The first is part of the Health Journey's series by Belleruth Naparstek. It is called Guided Meditation Help for Infertility. It consists of 2 CDs and 4 (~20 min. each) different guided meditations: (1)envisioning successful fertilization - inside or outside the body; (2) repeating calming affirmations; (3) gaining respite from the daunting procedures and help with general coping; (4) helping with grief, resolution and reclaiming one's life.

I have listened to the first and second one so far. She starts with general relaxation - deep breathing, relax your muscles, and focus on what's going on inside. Then she draws you attention to positive thoughts about your body's ability to provide a safe and healthy place for a new life. The second session does not have the relaxation and can be used in a non-relaxing atmosphere (i.e. in your car) and it is affirmations. Although I haven't listened to it I am comforted by the fact that I will have that 4th one to listen to. I liked these CDs, Belleruth has an amazing voice that is very relaxing. I would recommend this for anyone suffering from IF unless you are doing IVF, then I would choose the next set...

The second program is called Meditation for IVF and it is available online (only?). Note that this company sells other CDs for different IF problems such as PCOS, natural cycles, etc. I have the 1 on IVF and it consists of 4 (20 min. each) parts also: Track 1: Hitting Your Mark! From shots to retrieval; Track 2: Rest and Rejuvenate - between retrieval and transfer; Track 2: Baby's Sweet Spot! From Transfer to Implantation (week 1 of 2 week wait); Track 4: The Waiting Game! From Implantation to Pregnancy Test (week 2 of 2 week wait).

I have only listened to the first one of these (because of where I am in my cycle) and I LOVE it! It starts with progressive relaxation - toes to face - with deep breathing. She starts by saying "you have nothing to do right now except listen and relax." Whew! Someone gave me permission for me time! After relaxation she guides you through imagery of your ovaries growing "perfect" eggs and reiterates several times that "your body is working with the medication" to make the best possible eggs. With my eyes closed I picture my ovaries growing and getting bumpy with ripening follicles. I really really loved this meditation. I felt revitalized and peaceful and content when it was finished. I can't recommend this enough! If you are doing IVF get this! You can download it right online and listen today!

Still Waiting

Paige — Sun, 04 May 2008 22:09:36 -0400

Still no AF. I can feel it but I'm still waiting.

Tonight I "nested." That's what I'm going to call it. I arranged all my paraphernalia for stimming on a wooden tray: syringes, follistim pen, alcohol swabs, gauze. Along with a picture of an infant and the words, "you are stronger than you think." I call it nesting because I know that I did it out of desperation to be doing something. I'm meditating every day and reading all I can about nurturing yourself through IVF. If AF doesn't come soon I don't know what I'll have left to do to make myself feel like I'm doing something positive to effect our outcome.

It is such a dizzying game.

I want to tell everyone really quick about a wonderful friend I have named Zoe. She is my best friend despite the fact that we have lived several states away from each other for 5 years. In the beginning I would have said that Zoe was one of the people who most often said things that felt like a punch in the stomach - unintentionally, of course. Things like "well at least you get to sleep in on Saturday." I used to silently fume about these types of statements when I realized that if I didn't tell her that it hurt me how would she ever know? When I talked to her about it she was glad that I told her and I know that she has spread the word to other people she meets about how to treat people dealing with IF. Zoe reads my blog to keep up on me because I do tend to isolate myself from others (particularly others with children) during treatment. She left me a message this weekend to tell me that she was thinking about me and praying for our IVF and that she loved me. I still haven't called her back. I can't explain why. It just seems like more than I can handle to pretend to be happy go lucky on the phone. But, her phone call meant so much to me, I can't even describe. It was like a long distance hug. She respected my need for space and didn't make me feel bad for being a crappy friend right now. That is the greatest gift she could give me. I love you Zoe. :)

Naked and Waiting

Paige — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:05:54 -0400

Well, I just got back from my mini-vacation and it was fabulous. TMI alert: frankly we lounged around naked for two full days alternating between the couch and hot tub! Gotta love secluded cabins!

So I am on pins and needles wanting to start this IVF ball rolling but since I'm on a microdose protocol (aka no bcp) I have to wait for AF to start stimming. HURRY AF...wow haven't said that ... ever!

I am gearing up by creating myself a "Flourishing with IVF" (as opposed to just "surviving") care package. I got some good books to read that AREN'T What to Expect When You Are Expecting! I also got some guided meditation CD's for IVF at Amazon (listed below) and the book Guide Me Through This Barren Land, a daily devotional for IF. I'm also doing yoga every day to clear my mind and stay positive. My goal this cycle is to be calm and optimistic and open to experience every day of the process. If it works I will have this beautiful time to remember the creation of my child and if it does not I will be in a healthier place to deal with it. I don't want to wish the month away I want to enjoy the journey.

Here are the CD's and Books I got:

Health Journeys Guided Meditations Help For Infertility (Audio CD)
by Belleruth Naparstek (Author)

Nurturing Yourself Through IVF: Improve Your Experience, Maximize Your Odds of Success (Paperback)
by Lynn Daley (Author)

Guide Me Through This Barren Land (Paperback)by Vicki Caswell (Author)

Does anyone else have a plan or hints for coping...or flourishing.

Baby Mama

Paige — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:23:38 -0400

I saw Baby Mama this evening. Overall the movie was very funny and enjoyable to watch. As an IF patient there were parts that made me cry although I'm in a place where that is ok. They did a good job of showing how overwhelming the desire to have a child can be and some of the crazy things people say. It was also an uplifiting and "feel good" comedy so it doesn't dwell on the horror or pain at great lengths.

I would recommend it as long as you are in a place where the pain of IF is something you can explore or willing to laugh about. If it is so raw that you try to avoid thinking about it at all - don't go see this as it will hit a nerve. As far as public consciousness I really still hope that this opens someone's eyes.

Plus it was really funny. You will never look at extra virgin olive oil the same!

****Spoilers below Scroll to read: Don't read if you want to see the movie! **********

First off, I liked that her diagnosis wasn't something flimsy like "advanced maternal age" she actually had a diagnosis.

My biggest problem with the movie is that she does in fact get pregnant. After trying ART (including IVF) and then going with a surrogate who falsely passes her own pregnancy off as the surrogate - she meets the right guy and gets pregnant. I guess this type of thing happens and good for people that get pregnant naturally after IF. However, I was disappointed at the perpetuation of the stereotype that IF women are just being impatient and "when the time is right" it will happen. AKA, when you find the right guy, get the right job/house/etc. Granted, in the movie they even say that she has a 1 in a million chance but I think the non-IF savvy movie goer will walk away with a more "IF doesn't exist if you just wait long enough". I have been PI for 9 years. People are always saying to me "it will happen" and "when the time is right". Ummm, no. IF is a MEDICAL CONDITION. My husband's sperm, if they survive long enough are INCAPABLE of penetrating an egg. We are not going to get pregnant if we just "keep at it." And I am not being impatient. Ugh.

Anyways, that was my complaint.

Either way, I do think that just hearing about infertility is good for the masses. I am optimistic that story lines of this nature will do for IF what Rainman did for autism.

Brief Update

Paige — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 22:54:24 -0400

I've been travelling for work and I have to say it is a blessing. It is keeping me busy so I don't read every piece of research on IVF success. Being a science librarian sure has its down sides!

I was in Washington DC this past week learning about the legistlative side of NASA - very interesting. This week I'll be in California at NASA JPL working with Google. Very exciting.

When I get back, hubby and I are spending 3 days in a cabin in Hocking Hills State Park to relax/ramp up for our IVF which will begin when AF arrives in May.

Soap Box and T-shirts

Paige — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 22:58:47 -0400

I've been on a little bit of an infertility advocacy kick. My sister has a rare disease called psoriatic arthritis and I always thought she would feel more powerful if she became a crusader for it. I am now part of the Women's Advisory Group where I work. (Even though I realize this is not just a women's issue) This provided a great forum to talk about infertility. The idea was well received and it was..well...invigorating!

Ok, long story short - I wanted to find some swag and headed to Resolve, where I can't find a single shirt! (tell me if I'm wrong). I went to Cafe Press, which has a little (and alot of cute things for IVF babies!). Nothing that got me excited. So, I made some up myself. I mostly made it so I could get one but I also made a "store" called 1 in 8 at Cafe Press if anyone else is interested (see my two designs below). I wanted something about raising awareness. I often say if I had <fill in blank of illness> everyone would understand without an explanation (or stupid advice). I know lots of people find infertility a very private matter but no one can advocate for us but US! Anyways I'd love feedback on the shirts, mugs, and bags! If you want something specific I can make it.

What I'm Listening To

Paige — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:40:30 -0400

This podcast is just chuck full of information. She really addresses questions that real women would ask. I would recommend it!

Bye Bye Belly Ring

Paige — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 21:07:11 -0400

Yesterday hubby and I had the day off and we took a "window shopping" visit to Babies R Us. We just walked around and talked and dreamed. I know some people think this is a terrible thing to do but it just keeps us positive. I'd rather think positive and be happy than "not get my hopes up" which, of course, means pretending that my hopes aren't up. News flash: my hopes have been up for over 8 years. What is so bad about hope anyway? I say hope away! A BFN is going to hurt...it is going to hurt. Being positive or hopeful isn't going to make it hurt more or less.

Last night my belly ring got caught on the door jamb and ripped clean out of my stomach! Ouch. It has been in there without coming out even once for 10 years. I guess I don't have to pay to have it removed now if I get pregnant. :)

Rollercoaster Of Love

Paige — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 18:42:05 -0400

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster. I feel elated and SO SURE that IVF will work for us one minute and terrified the next.

I visited my grandparents this weekend and was shocked at the deterioration of my grandmother's mental condition. She has some kind of cyst on her brain and although the doctors aren't using the word Alzheimer's, it is abundantly obvious to me that is what she is suffering from. She is always a little forgetful but this was full-fledged mental debilitation. She can't make a sandwich. It is so sad. You can just see the life go out of her at the frustration of not understanding and having to concentrate on everything so hard. The whole weekend has made me very melancholy.

Whenever I visit my grandparents it always becomes a photo viewing fest! This time I felt really jealous of my cousins who have given them great-grandchildren. I'm not hateful toward them, like I might have been two years ago, I love them dearly - but there is still this lingering feeling of being robbed of everything in those pictures. Halloweens, christmases, baths, snow, puppies, etc. And all of these albums are labled "grandkids" and I just feel empty that I haven't added to them.

Ugh, I don't want to sink into a pity party again.

Comedy and Tragedy

Paige — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:48:50 -0400

Today is the happiest BFN ever! Of course I had to POAS this morning because we are 14dpiui - it was negative.

Then we went to the clinic for STD testing and shot training - basically a pre-IVF appointment. The nurse looked over our charts and said "you're all ready to go!" I said "well everything except for that grant." She looked puzzled and said we must have been approved if we are on her list. She scurried around the office looking for someone to verify we had been approved and indeed we had!

So, now we count the days until May when I'll start a microdose lupron protocol with follistim and HCG.

/sigh

Dreams

Paige — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 10:06:30 -0400

I had the most disturbing dream last night.

My mother - who was about 10 years younger in the dream at about 45ish - decided she wanted to have another baby. She had her tubal ligation reversed and was actively trying to get pregnant. Calling me and asking about ovulation predictor kits and such. I was, obviously, a little upset about this! I mean it is my turn! The worst part of the dream was that everyone acted like I shouldn't be upset - that I was being mean to Mom by not wanting her to have a baby.

It was so weird. I woke up kind of discombobulated.

I called Mom and she said, "no thanks."

lol

Let the Two Week Wait Begin

Paige — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 12:20:44 -0400

12.06 million post-wash motile! Woohoo! That is our best ever. I'm so excited and hopeful. I prayed and we visualized the sperm fertilizing the egg as I lay for the requisite 10 minutes post IUI.

I really really hope we get pregnant. But, if not, I hope we have an answer regarding the IVF before I get a BFN.

Go Spermies Go!!!

LH Surge (or how I hate Ovulation Predictor Kits)

Paige — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:50:02 -0400

If I never see pink lines again it would be too soon. It seems a cruel twist of fate that the one thing infertile women want to see...2 pink lines...can be so hard to discern on an OPK.

For those of you who don't know 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test means YOU"RE PREGNANT. On an ovulation predictor kit it means...ummm...well...i'm not sure...it depends...look over here in this light...no angle it more toward the right. Does that look darker? lighter? You would think that modern science (that can put a man on the moon, right?) could come up with a better method.

"ferning" in my saliva? Please...give me a break.

LOL :)

AH, continuting to find humor is what makes this all livable. So, LH surge...that means we go in for insemination tomorrow morning. I haven't been to work all week due to the Clomid-side-effect-loop I've been in. Cest La Vie.

I keep reminding myself that our chances are 1:1,000,000.

Still a chance though!

Fine Print

Paige — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:26:47 -0400

You know the quickly spoken blurb of side effects that pharaceutical commericals have to have? I always thought they were the result of an accidental hypochondriac getting thrown into the clinical trials.

I was wrong.

In fact, a small percentage of people just WILL get those effects. I did - all of them - on clomid. Here is a list of Clomid side effects.

Table 2. Incidence of Adverse Events in Clinical Studies (Events Greater than 1%) (n = 8029*)

Adverse Event	%
Ovarian Enlargement	13.6
Vasomotor Flushes	10.4
Abdominal-Pelvic Discomfort/Distention/Bloating	5.5
Nausea and Vomiting	2.2
Breast Discomfort	2.1
Visual Symptoms	1.5
Blurred vision, lights, floaters, waves, unspecified visual complaints,
photophobia, diplopia, scotomata, phosphenes
Headache	1.3
Abnormal Uterine Bleeding	1.3
Intermenstrual spotting, menorrhagia
*Includes 498 patients whose reports may have been duplicated in the event totals and could not be distinguished as such. Also, excludes 47 patients who did not report symptom data.

I had the most severe nausea I've ever had. Hot flashes that drenched me in sweat followed by chills. Uncontrollable vomiting. It got so bad I had to go to the ER. I couldn't walk straight because of the blurred vision and dizziness.

The worst part is when you have a bad effect of a drug there isn't anything the doctors can do but wait out the drug getting out of you system. They gave me some IV anti-nausea meds that helped me open my eyes at least. This started Friday on my last dose of Clomid and just started getting better earlier today (Tuesday). Yuck.

Anyways - Saline ultrasound was perfect and FSH was good (I'll get numbers next week when hubby and I go in for communicable disease testing for IVF). So, I officially have a clean bill of fertility health so far. That is great news for IVF.

Still waiting on getting that grant.