Boy, I was hoping I could use BFP this week.  Unfortunately...

BFN - Big Fat Negative - a negative result on a HPT or Beta (blood test).

I have recently had two of these - one on Friday and one on Saturday.  The real final straw visited today - AF arrived.  I can't even describe how I feel.  I don't want to talk about it and I cry everytime anyone brings it up.  I feel filled with rage one minute and sorrow the  next.  I just don't understand why this is happening to us. 

Most of all I just can't believe that I have tortured myself with this 30 day cycle of misery almost every month for nearly seven years.  I stopped bith control to "let fate give me a baby"  I didn't try to get pregnant - I just put it in fate's hands.  Nothing happened.  So then I tried.  Temping, timing, waiting.  Nothing.  Ok, maybe fate is waiting for DH to get out of the military.  Nothing.  Ok, DH finishes his college degree.  Nothing.  The doctor refers us to an RE...low count...let's inseminate?  Feels too soon.  Feels to artificial.  Fate is just wating for the right time.  We need to move back home, close to my parents - then I'll get pregnant.  Nothing.  Ok, maybe I'll go to graduate school and get my masters.  Nothing.  I get my dream job.  Nothing.  I get another masters. NOTHING.  Buy a house. NOTHING!!!!

Looking back at this I alterantely feel stupid for ignoring science (I am a scientists for goodness sake) and angry that others supported this view.  I have NEVER had anyone say to me, "maybe you should try medical intervention."   Everyone says "it will happen."  They are wrong it won't just happen.  I spent so many years believing that the time just wasn't right.  It would happen when it was supposed to happen.  Every month I think THIS IS IT.  We are ready now.  We are worthy of a child.  And every month we are slapped with a big FUCK YOU.  NOT NOW.  MAYBE NEXT TIME.

I just hate the pain.  The pain of cycles of hope and failure.  over. and over. and over.

And I'm going to do it again next month.  I'm choosing to do this to myself.  What kind of sick masochism is this?  How many more times do I have to endure this before I am worthy?  How many more times can I endure this before my spirit is broken forever?

Sorry for the downer.  This too will pass - that is part of the cycle.  It is getting harder every time.

Well, if you happened upon my blog yesterday it was "blocked due to bandwidth overage."  Since so many people are viewing my blog I actually went over the allowable amount of bandwidth for my (free) account with Eponym.  I knew it would be back up today since we began a new month - so I didn't upgrade to a paid account.  I'll see if June does the same thing and then decide if I want to upgrade.

I have to say it would definitely be worth them $ to keep this blog opperational.  I'm so overwhelmed by how much this blog, and the comments people post have helped me through each day.  It is humbling to have the invisible community of sisters who care about what is going on with me and are supporting me everyday.  What a blessing.  I set up this blog to vent and journal - I didn't realize that the best thing I would get out of this is a network of friends.

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! 

Well, today I am 9dpiui.  I've had AF type cramps on and off the past few days. I rocket between excitement/hope and failure/despair.  The mood swings are enough to give me whiplash!  Even though some people consider it foolish I plan to POAS tomorrow morning.  I figure if it is BFN, I won't be devistated (because it is not over till you know who shows up) and if it is BFP I can start celebrating (read: worrying about doubling!).

I will keep my wonderful blog friends posted!

Dear emby,

Welcome to the world.  I know you have been very busy for the past few days.  Fighting your way in the dark.  Bouncing down a narrow passageway all the while dividing and dividing.  You have grown into a morula and then a perfect blastocyst.  You have finally reached your destination.  I have made it a warm and inviting place for you to land.  Hatch out of that hard outer shell and nestle down into the soft place I have made for you.  Hunker down, cover your head. Stick.  Be warm and nurtured.  I will keep you safe while you grow.  I know you have been doing most of the work so far and you will be for many months.  I will do my part by being gentle to myself - your home - and eating nutritious foods for you.  I've loved you since before you started your journey, please be safe until I can hold you in my arms.

All my love,
Mom

Captains Log...Stardate 11 days till POAS...

I told DH to day that I can't imagine being pregnant.  I'm not trying to be negative I just honestly can't imagine getting TWO pink lines.  I think I'll faint from the shock.

Cycle number 82 since TTC.  6 years 11 months.  I've seen too many negatives to imagine a positive.

This, of course, will not make it any easier to see a negative.

Luckily work is really keeping me busy.  I wish I could say here where I work but I  have the absolute coolest job ever.  I love everything about it (except that insurance doesn't cover IVF - but hey, at least it covers IUI).  I'm involved in a really great project that makes me go 2-3 hours without even analyzing lower abdomen twinges or calculating exactly to what degree my boobs hurt. 

On a more sour note.  I'm really developing a hate problem.  I'm a nice person.  I rarely hate people.  But lately I seem to have a lot of venom for pregnant women, women with children, women without children that think getting pregnant will be a peice of cake, and basically anyone who isn't focused on my conception.  What do you mean you want to talk about your vacation?  Don't you know I'm cycling here!  Boring!  Let's talk about me!  And I simply want to claw someone's eyes out when the complain about ANYTHING if they have kids.  Little jimmy's sick?  Shut up!  At least you have kids.  You have a headache?  Who cares, at least your uterus works. 

Sometimes I really don't like the person I'm becoming. 

The Two Week Wait, or 2WW, is the glorious period of time between ovulation and being able to a.) POAS or b.) greet that old bitch Aunt Flo.

I know I've written previously about the agony of second guessing every twinge during the 2ww.  Today I wanted to point out some good things about it. 

1.  No "wanding"
2.  No shots
3.  No getting up early to visit the RE before work
4.  No bruises on your arms from bloodwork (or at least fadded yellow bruises)
5.  No wondering if you can do more to make this cycle work
6.  Not temping at 5 AM

Actually it is kind of freeing.  I know that this is now out of my hands.  I am now either pregnant or not pregnant.  The decision has already been made and there is nothing I can do to change that outcome.  At this point I don't have to deal with percentages:  it is 50/50 - pregnant/not pregnant.

All that is left to do is pray.

And try not to hope too much.

My sweet DH gave me this card the morning of our IUI with a gift of a pair of infant shoes.

I think he's a keeper.

IF can make you really superstitious.  I think the knowledge that all of this is completely out of my hands makes me look to something I can control - even if it is illogical.  Coping mechanism perhaps?

The quest for the past week has been to find "signs" that I'm going to get pregnant.  On Mother's Day I cracked an egg with a double yolk.  Yesterday I got in my car and "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base was playing (I put a lot of stock in the first song I hear on the radio having an effect on my day.) 

This morning - the morning of my first IUI was all  good luck charms.  "Honey, what shirt was I wearing when we met?" (Goodwill fodder years ago).  I wore DH's earring from when I first met him (he has since moved on to "punkier" large-gage hoops).  I wore my chain with my Dad's and DH's dog tags.  Dad's dog tags got him through Vietnam so they must protect life.  I wore my "lucky" underwear (terribly uncomfortable things with a rhinestone heart as the apex of the g-string).  I wore two Turkish charm bracelets given to me by a Turkish friend who once red my coffee grounds and saw "fertility in my future" (this was 4 years ago - what the hell did she mean by "future").  I, of course, had on the bracelet that DH got me when I got my 2nd masters which I have vowed to not take off until I'm pregnant. 

Oh, the superstition does not stop.  I made DH kiss my belly this morning before I got out of bed and informed him that this would be a daily occurrence until our child is born or AF arrives. 

To make things fair and since we are dealing with male factor I kissed something of his too.  No, not that...the things responsible for sperm production.  Yes, those.  Yes, both of them.

Right as we were leaving I grabbed my lucky bear (also a gift from DH) from my keepsake chest. 

Short of sacrificing one of my dogs on a fertility altar I was ready.

We have an hour drive to our fertility clinic and of course there was a wreck on the expressway.  I called the andrology lab and they said take your time.  whew.  We listened to both of my Matisyahu CDs on the way there (not familiar? he's terrific, google him!  Don't be put off by his look.).  Like I said before I really believe in the power of music.  I credit my stellar ACT scores on repeated "One Day More" from Les Miserables on the way to the test back in 92.  Matisyahu lifted my spirit to a higher level.

When we finally got there, DH handed me a package as he was going into the "sample collection room."  (No, I don't go in with him - I can't help in any of the good ways (no saliva allowed ;) and he can just do it faster  himself).  He got me a card with beautiful sayings about "I believe..." (I'll post later).  On the inside it said " I believe in us."  In the gift bag was two beautiful, red infant shoes.  I cried.  In the waiting room.  Everyone was looking.  I love this man and I'm so glad I'm going to have a family with him.

I decided to call Mom to tell her what DH got me.  When I opened my phone (I have a Treo for which "opened" has no meaning but this is a bad habit of speech) and my sister has sent me a text message entitled "another sign" with an image of another double yolk egg she had cracked this morning.  (I will take this as a firm sign of my fertility not hers, thank you).

Once he was finished we have to wait an hour for "sperm washing" where they remove the seminal fluid and dead cells.  We collected in a fluid called human tubal fluid to prevent antibodies attaching to the sperm cells.  We got a package from the andrologist (who was ironically a very feminine woman) and headed up 8 floors to the OB/GYN where my RE operates out of.  I knew this in advance but was still stunned that they trusted us with this specimen.  I let DH carry it so, in accordance with tradition, he could "deliver the sperm."

The actual IUI was painless.  The Wonderful Nurse, who I had talked to on the phone repeatedly but never met (I do monitoring at a satellite office) greeted me with a hug.  She made the whole thing not only easy and painless by special.  I can't tell you how nice this was.  I had heard of Drs making the whole thing so clinical that you lose track of how special this event was.  She even hugged my DH!  I had been feeling left out that some of the other bloggers/bulletin board ladies are monitored and IUI'd by their RE.  Not now, I'd take the compassion and excitement of Wonderful Nurse any day.

Basically, I got in the stirrups (with baby shoe and bear in hand - Wonderful Nurse loved it), Wonderful Nurse did the speculum thing and passed the catheter into my uterus with no pain.  I was braced for pain because my HSG was so painful (done by my RE).  This didn't hurt at all.  When she had the syringe prepared and the catheter in place she let DH slowly push the sample into the catheter.  Voila!  Inseminated!

She left briefly to find out some info about the sample.  5.4 million, good swimmers, no agglutination (this is the antibody problem causing clumping).  So good news on the motility but kind of low numbers.  She reassured me that she's seen higher numbers with negatives and lower numbers with positives.  She gave us a card with beautiful images of fertilization and early embryo development.  She said that science may not understand it but imagery and guided thought does have an effect on  health.  AMEN.  I don't think my RE or DH's UR would say something like that.

Did I mention she is a Wonderful Nurse?

Then she dimmed the lights and we sat for 15 minutes talking and quietly visualizing the sperm reaching the egg and fertilizing.

We wanted to do something special afterwords so we went to the arboretum and walked among the lilacs and rhod (oh, no - I have no idea how to spell this) rhododendrons (that is so not it).  It was beautiful and it made the day special.  If we conceive we have a beautiful memory to go with it.

We also had lunch at Hooters (love their wings - bad feminist).  But we'll leave that part out of the memory!

Well, I "triggered" tonight at 10PM by injecting my single dose of Ovidrel (HCG).  Insemination on Tuesday!

Please, please, please, please, please give me a baby!

If (when) I get preggo this month I will be due...Valentine's Day.  Cool.

Please, please, please, please, please give me a Valentine's Baby!!!

Ultrasound this morning at 8am (on a Saturday!  Oh, the humanity*).  Still  one follie.  About 16mm.  e2 of 283 (finally over 200!) 225IU of Bravelle tonight, HCG trigger/BD on Sunday, abstain on Mon, IUI on Tuesday. 

I should be excited but I'm so disappointed at only having one egg I could cry (oh, wait, I have cried!).  With "significant" male factor it just seems painful to get my hopes up that this will be it for us.   I can't seem to muster any hope of getting preggo this cycle but I'm trying to see some positives:  (1) the RE can recommend some different protocol for next cycle and (2) the UR can see a post-wash specimen and give us some advice about proceeding.

A huge thanks to everyone who has commented on my blog.  I'm kind of writing this in a vacuum - just venting (and using bad words, sorry).  It is touching to know that someone out there is reading this.  It makes me feel less alone.  THANKS!

*Note, if you even think about saying "it is good practice for having kids," I'll gouge your eyes out with a spoon.

Had another wonderful ultrasound today and I have only 1 follie growing measurably at 10mm and tons of others still under 10mm.  They don't want to up my dosage of meds because they don't want the "tons of others" catching up.  I'm so pissed.  One egg I can do on my own without shooting myself full of hormones every night!  The whole point was to provide more targets for the spermies!

This feels so hopeless.  All this effort for what amounts to a 10% chance. 

:(

e2: 59

The "wand" is the beautiful instrument used to perform a vaginal ultrasound. 

Pause...

Get a mental picture...

Got it?

They basically look at three things:  estradoil (e2) level through bloodwork, the lining of the  uterus, and the count and size of any existing follicles.

I had many follicles but nothing over 10mm yet.  They upped my dose of Bravelle to 225 IU.  Return on Thursday.

e2: 29

We injected our first fertility drug tonight!

I picked up the meds at my local Walgreens.  My Insurance company uses Walgreen's Specialty.  All the meds were there but no needles.  I had to buy them separately because someone "forgot."  How did they expect me to get the meds into my body?  Bite open the ampule and drink it?

When DH got home from work I was excited to get it over with.  I laid everything out and mixed the two vials of powder per 1 cc of saline.  Then prepared the injection site on my stomach for DH to stick me.  This is where it all went horribly wrong. DH kept hesitating and then right when he'd go to do it I'd have another instruction for him.  Then I felt lightheaded and had to sit down.  I think the thought of the shot almost made me pass out.  Ok, move to the couch and I lie down.  We discuss the merits of counting to three vs. just sticking it in.  Finally he just jabs it in - it doesn't really hurt at all.  Just a little pain when he injects the meds.  That's what we were all worried about?

 I must have had a lot of pent up stress about this because I broke down crying afterwards.  It was part relief, part "why us?", and part hilarity at both of our reactions!

I think it is a huge relief to have the first shot under our belts.

First ultrasound today.  More detail on how that works later.

On CD3:
Lining 6.5
Left Ovary: 5 antral follicles
Right Ovary: 16 (!) antral follicles
FSH: 5.3
E2: 18

In summary:  I'm pretty damn fertile.  I have great "ovarian reserve" or eggs available to grow.  I have so many antral follicles (sacs that the eggs grow in) that they will have to monitor closely to make sure I don't overstimulate (remember we want 2-3 not 20). 

I start 150 IU of Bravelle on Friday night and go back in for ultrasound on Monday morning.

I spent all day today on the phone with pharmacy/doctor/insurance reiterating that "YES MY MEDS ARE COVERED!"

You see, injectible medications are covered under the MEDICAL benefit and not under the perscrption drug benefit.  However, I had to explain this repeatedly to my own insurance company.  They would say "please hold" and come back with the "yes, it is covered."  What are they the Borg and they had to check with the collective?

(note:  many women have NO coverage for IF medication or treatment so I know I'm lucky to even be fighting this battle)

Tomorrow AM is my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.  The ultrasound is checking for the shape and size of my ovaries and to be sure that there are no cysts or follicles on my ovaries left over from the last cycle.   The blood work checks for FSH (follicle stimulating hormone - the hormone that makes eggs grow) and estradoil (a form of estrogen).  FSH should be under 15 and estradoil should be under 50 to give me the go ahead to start injections.

Injections need to start Wed, Thur, or Fri (cycle days 3, 4, 5) but I will be waiting out my meds which should be here by Fri.  150 units of Bravelle (a synthetic FSH) each night.  During this time I will go in for frequent ultrasounds to check the status of my growing follicles (the sac that contains the egg).  They are looking for 2-3.  Too many will decrease my dosage and too few will increase it.  (Not to mention that too many increases the risk of multiple births.)  When 2-3 follicles are ready (by reaching a certain size) I will take a new injection called Ovidrel which is synthetic HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) which will cause me to ovulate - the follicles to release the eggs.  The insemination will take place the next day and/or the day after.

We will be consulting with the urologist as to the proper amount of inseminations and timing given the condition of our sperm.

That is actually IUI w/injects in a nutshell.

Ok, so on to the dream.  Last night I dreamed of my insemination day.  My whole family was there with me and DH.  I was already on a gurney with feet in the stirrups and everything with a sheet over me.  The nurse tells me that they are out of rooms so they have to do the insemination in the hallway.  A hallway that is teeming with people.  I, needless to say, object vehemently.  I am desperate to get this done because I know that sperm are dying in that sample by the second.  I beg the nurse to find a room.  My whole family thinks I should just let her do it in the hallway with everyone watching and I'm very upset that they aren't agreeing with me.  I felt caught between the desperate need to get this sperm where they need to go but not wanting to do it their way in their innconvenient place.

Paging Dr. Freud...

Today was all about needles and tears - although they were not related to each other.

We started out the day with the injectibles training for our first IUI cycle.  The nurse was great.  She spent about an hour answering our questions and explaining everything to us.  DH got to practice with the needle and fake skin.  HE LOVED IT.  He actually looked gleeful jabbing the needle in.  What a sadist!  I think he's going to have a blast shooting me up every night.

They could not do the bloodwork or ultrasound because AF hadn't showed up.  I was two days late!  Of course I was mostly pissed that this was delaying my IUI cycle but...as the day wore on I started to hope that I was preggo.

You see, most women's bodies shed the linning of the uterus due to a drop in the hormone progesterone.  Not mine!  My body sheds the linning due to a RISE in the little known hormone "hope."  Bitch.

At this point - no tears - mostly just pissed at myself for hoping.  Then I get home and our neighbor's 2 year old is over in our yard pointing at the sky, singing "twinkle twinkle" ("ba ba ba...") and he walked right up to DH and stuck out his hand to shake it.  I just lost it.  JUST FUCKING LOST IT.

Fuck.

I'm cycling girls!

My RE recommended IVF which is of course completely out of the question for us financially since it is not covered by insurance.  How wonderful that some money-grubbing insurance scum bag gets to make medical decision that over-ride my medical professional.

But, I digress.

So, let's try IUI!  Do I want to do a natural cycle?, asks the nurse.  No, says I, let's try superovulation and increase my chances.

On Monday I will have an ultrasound and bloodwork before having a "teaching session" on injectibles!  I will be on Bravelle with an Orvidel trigger (maybe I'll explain all this in detail later for the fertiles).  On CD 2-5 I will start shooting up!  Actually DH will be shooting me up so he feels like "part of the process."

I have such a mixture of emotions about this.  I am happy to have something to move foward on.  I'm happy that my doctor listened to my wishes and is willing to let me start with superovulation rather than a natural cycle. 

I am also terrified!  Slightly afraid of the procedure itself - the shots, etc.  Mostly I am terrified that it won't work.  I know that it can take multiple cycles for IUI to work but as devistating as every month's HPT are now I can't imagine the disappointment of a failed IUI.  And then the terror that it won't work repeatedly and we will be stuck with an option we can't afford (IVF) or an option that will marginalize one of us (donor reproduction). 

Try to focus on the positive right?  Hopefully I will be pregnant by the end of the year.