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Wow, today I don't have to do anything infertility related.  No shots.  No bloodwork.  No ultrasound. Nothing. 

I think I'll take the opportunity to talk about some unrelated or marginally related things that have been on my mind lately.

First, completely unrelated to infertility:  I love Hillary Clinton.  I really wanted her to be our next president.  However I loathe primaries.  Democrats fighting democrats makes me sick!  The minutia of differences between Hillary and Barrak's platforms are infinitesimal yet they get blown out into an "us" or "them" fight.  Us or them?  We are we! Anyways that's not my point.  I can securely get behind Obama if that is what the party decides (although I think I'll write him a letter about his stance on NASA - which is a little weak and nearsighted).  Anywho, my real point about bringing this up is that I am so pleased that discussion of the next president now includes the phrase "he or she".  What a great development in American evolution!  Young girls growing up are hearing subconsciously that they can be president.  Of course we might tell them overtly that they can be anything they want but never underestimate the power of the subtle language patterns in society. 

Ok, my next one is related to infertility and it is pretty controversial/deep.  I am a feminist (of course!  don't get me started on women that don't consider themselves feminists!).  I am also a Christian.  Often it seems that neither the twain shall meet.  This gives me a unique, although not difficult in my opinion, stance on abortion.  As a Christian - heck, as a human - I abhor the death toll that abortion brings and I firmly believe that life begins at conception.  I feel a divine spark in the idea of conception; it is beautiful and miraculous and with purpose - not accidental.  However, I am deeply shamed by Christians who act in a very un-Christ-like manner about abortion.  From outright harassment and hatred (can you picture Christ doing that?) to extreme measures to change the law of the land, Christians give themselves (and me) a bad name.  I espouse an apparently unique view that I can be a good Christian and believe in the separation of church and state.  I don't understand why some Christians feel that their primary goal is to enforce their doctrine on the whole country.  I do not believe that was the great commission.  We are to go out and tell the good news not enforce Christianity as law.  Fine, I hear people saying "but someone has to look out for the unborn!"  Great, I agree it tears my soul out to know that innocent babies are dying.  That doesn't mean I feel I can exact my worldview of when life begins on someone else who feels their view is as valid as mine.  God has a judgment day for this reason.  If you want to combat abortion do it like Jesus would have with love and compassion and education.  Not only will this be living like Christ instead of like tyrants but it is actually more effective.

Which is my long preamble to how infertility effects one's opinion of abortion.  I know that I still firmly believe that laws against abortion are at best discriminatory and at worst dangerous to women.  However, my whole "sanctity of life" views are so much more tangible now.  It isn't just something I "believe" because that is my particular choice in moral compass but I feel it.  I know (more than I ever imagine I would) what an amazing miracle conception is and that there is absolutely positively no such thing as an unwanted baby.  Maybe you don't want her but someone does, trust me.  Seeing my sisters in infertility struggle with miscarriage, failed cycles, and lost hope just drive home the perfect gift that a baby is.  Always.  Not sometimes.  Always a perfect gift.

Does this mean I am suddenly wanting to overturn Roe v. Wade?  Of course not.  I believe that a society is only as free as its most subjugated class.  I feel 100% in my heart that freedom of and from religion is the best possible environment for my religion and yours - whatever that may be.  It does mean that I believe that infertile women and men have a unique perspective from which to educate society about the alternatives to abortion.  It does mean that I shed an extra tear to hear that another pregnancy has been terminated when I would give anything to get pregnant.  It is a deeper, soul-wrenching familiarity with pregnancy and pregnancy loss - both artificial and natural - that makes us kindred spirits with those contemplating abortion.  We have seen inside pregnancy and conception in a way that no one else ever has.  Not mothers, not abortion doctors, not pro-lifers, not pro-choicers.  We have lived in these trenches and I think that gives us a valuable and unique perspective on abortion.  It makes me want to say to the pro-lifer "you don't really know what you are talking about" and to the pro-choicer "you don't really get it either."  I don't disrespect either of these groups (except the crazy militant ones) but I just feel I know in a way that they can't.

Am I pro-life?  Am I pro-choice?  Am I a good feminist?  Am I a good Christian?

I am all and more of these.  I am infertile.

The moon is full tonight and tonight I do my trigger HCG shot at 9PM.  Perfect time for an early spring harvest don't you think?

My ovaries look spectacular like bubbling balls of follicles.  I'm so proud of them!  Here is an example of an ultrasound of a superovulated ovary.  The black areas are follicles.  Mine are all around 18mm which means they are mature.


My estrogen level was 4.259.  Yikes!  Most doctors consider you at high risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) if it is above 3,000.  The Nurse said I would get albumin with my sedative at my Egg Retrieval (ER).

So, ER. Basically with the aid of transvaginal ultrasound (our friend the dildocam) they use a long needle to suck all the fluid out of the follicles (all the black area in the above ultrasound).  This contains the egg although they aren't actually finding the egg when they retrieve.  They just try to get all the fluid and the egg will be in there.  Here is the best image I could find about how this works.


Fun, huh?  Yes, you are seeing correctly - that is a long needle being poked through the vaginal wall.  If ever two words should never be together - needle and vaginal wall are it.

While I'm in surgery for ER, DH will be "producing" a sample.  Since we have MF they will use intercytoplasmic spern injection (ICSI pronounced ick see) to fertilize the eggs.  Here is an image of ICSI.


The thing on the left is a pipett used to keep the egg in place and the thing coming in from the right is the needle with a single sperm cell in it. 

I'm so excited to have made it to this point!  I actually have eggs!  I pray they are mature and healthy and that they fertilize.  Just thinking about fertilization gives me goosebumps - for the first time ever a part of me and a part of DH will combine to make a new life.  That will be so affirming.

Sooo, today I started thinking about home pregnancy tests (HPT).  I'm on a great message board for IF called Hannah's Prayer.  Lots of the ladies there are POAS addicts (POAS = Pee On A Stick, aka take a HPT).  They start POAS as soon as their Embryo Transfer so they can see the HCG shot get out of their system.

//pause for family and friends:
You take HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) to make you ovulate right before Egg Retrieval.  So, a HPT would be false positive since this is what HPT test for. 
//pause

So once they start getting negatives then they continue to test so that when they get light positives they know it isn't the shot but their embies producing HCG. 

The alternative, of course, is to wait patiently for the beta blood test that the doctor does that is much more accurate.

So which am I?  A wait for the beta person? or a POASer?

It is a cruel fact of reality that 6AM comes at the same time every day even on the weekends.  :(  I let DH sleep since he has a harder time getting back to sleep if he wakes up (I could sleep anytime anywhere) and stabbed myself with 20 Lupron and 100 Follistim.

There are definitely things happening in my body and I'm trying to focus on that.  I'm actually taking heart that my ovaries are sore and that my left one is even having sharp pains.  Maybe that's the egg that will be my son or daughter - already giving me a hard time!  I am definitely irritable - like repetitive noises make me want to stab someone (what is it with men and mouth noises?).  Poor DH is being so great. 

I am SO attractive right now!  I have a pimple on my chin, my stomach is a rainbow of different ages of bruises as is my right arm, and I've gained 4 lbs. in one week.  And of course this is all compounded by my rosy demeanor.  Grrrrr.

Through it all I remember:  This opportunity is a miracle.  I wasn't supposed to get to do IVF with all its ups and downs.  I am thankful for the pimple, and the bruises, and the weight (?, ok, not so much), and the bitchiness because it is all thanks to a wonderful foundation that believes people deserve to have their best shot at a biological family.  God bless this foundation and its people, you know who you are. 

C'mon follicles, grow!  11mm by Monday!  You can do it!

/Sigh

I know you aren't supposed to compare your progress on stims to the progress of others and that I should trust my doctors on my protocol but it is so hard sometimes.  I had monitoring this morning and all my follicles are under 10mm still which didn't really bother me because I want them to grow healthy not fast.  But here's the problem - my e2 was over 1,000. 

Is that really a problem?  Maybe not.  I just hang on every word the nurse says when she calls.  And not just the words the tone, inflection, even the volume of her voice.  I feel it all holds some mysterious truth to my cycle.  She said, "you are sensitive to the meds."  What does that mean?  She said, "we don't want your e2 to get higher without those follicles growing." Could that happen?  ...increased panic...is that happening?  Maybe I can't grow eggs!  My IUI's were always with one despite stims.  She said to only take 100IU of follistim for the next two days and come back on Monday.  Why so low?  What's wrong with me?

Basically all of this spirals in my mind until I'm wound up like a Jack-in-the-Box with a huge rock on the lid.  The thing is that she wouldn't even have told me about my e2 level if I didn't ask and then I caused her to explain.  She didn't sound worried or like this was greatly unusual.  I got home and read in one of my (many) IF books that the reduction is stims signals your body to stop producing follicles and to start growing the ones you have.  That sounds perfect.  I don't want 20 eggs, 10-12 sound perfect to me (less snowflakes, no OHSS).  The fact that my body is sensitive to the meds is better than not responding, right?

This should all be making me feel better.  But, somehow I can't help but be in this state of worry tonight.  I've been so good about relaxing and enjoying the ride of this cycle.  Tonight though I feel like I can't breathe with worry and my lips are tingling like mad (s/e of zoloft when you get stressed).  I just want to cry and sleep for 4 days.  There is this huge lump in my throat.  I can almost feel my baby in my arms and it is like she is being pulled out of my embrace by some unseen and malevolent force. 

In the back of my mind I have the realization that I might be feeling this way because of the meds.  Worry won't help my eggs grow.  Obsessing about my e2 isn't going to make it drop.  Maybe this happens all the time.  I need to go along for the ride.  It is all decided by God already anyways.  I'm just here to experience what is already planned. 

I have to trust and let go and breathe.

Oh yeah, and good news: my lining is 15mm!

You have to read Jen's hilarious post about how she is official 1 day pregnant!

Since a pregnancy is calculated from the date of your last period, you are technically 2 weeks pregnant before sperm ever meets egg.  So, if this cycle works - I am already 8 days pregnant.

I think I need to go lie down and put my feet up!

Ok, I'm feeling it now.  My ovaries are so sore.  I always thought I was lucky that I have mittelschmerz and know when I ovulate but it also means I can feel my ovaries all the time.  Now they are kind of pulsating with a throbbing ache.  It isn't unbearable but it is unpleasant.  I am also exhausted - more exhausted than I've ever been.  Yesterday we were cleaning out the stock room in my Library for an upcoming move (we are getting awesome new digs!) and I just felt so tired and a little light headed and I had to sit down. 

My e2 was 398 yesterday (up from 29 last Friday at baseline) so that was good.  I'm continuing on with 225 Follistim, 20 Lupron except I'm supposed to skip Follistim tonight, resume Follistim tomorrow morning and then go back for monitoring.  They also started my surgical paperwork for Egg Retrieval because I'm "looking good."  I can tell it is working because of the pain and also the TONS of EWCM (if you don't already know what that means then trust me you don't want to know).

I have an appointment with my counselor today and I'm thinking of canceling and getting a pedicure instead.  Hey, spa treatments are therapy too!

I am mentally compiling a list of "Laws of Infertility" that I will one day write down here.  But, today I learned an important one:

"Thou shalt trust thy Follistim pen!"

I went in for ultrasound and bloodwork this morning and everything looks fine.  My follies are still small but I have 6 measurable ones on the L and 4 on the right.  No lead follicle developing.  They said I looked "normal" for being on the 3rd day of stims.

Whew!

Oh NO!!!!  I got panicky about that extra 75 dose this morning and I called my clinic.  They want me to come in tomorrow to make sure everything is ok.  OMG, I'm so worried that I messed everything up!  They did tell me to just do my regular dose tonight and tomorrow.  What is the likelihood that one 75 extra on stim day 2 could mess the whole thing up?  This is going to be a sleepless night!

No not THAT kind of follies, as in follicles, actual follies as in "it would be folly to make a woman on Follistim angry."

This morning I took my 3rd 225 unit dose of Follistim out of the Follistim Pen with a vial of 600 units.  Ok, let's do the math:  225 + 225 + 225 = ?  Well, more than 600!  So the pen is supposed to tell you when the vial is empty, you add another vial and finish your dose.  The pen did the whole dose.  So either the pen is broken, I gave myself too little yesterday, or I (and DH) are insane!  I loaded a new vial and gave myself the additional 75 units. 

Did I give myself too much? Not enough yesterday?  Am I experiencing Ovarian Psychosis?  Note to self, check dosage 3 times before stabbing!

Ugh, I'm "looking" for side effects of the meds but all I feel is exteme exhaustion - I'm pretty sure I can't blame that on the 20 units of Lupron or the 225 units of Follistim DH stabbed me with this morning.  I'm going to have to blame this on MONDAY. 

I'm in a class this morning.  This normally means that I will be bored and "multitasking" by checking email and hoping to find someone to chat with!  ;)

Happy Mother's day to mothers and those who crave motherhood.  I had a quiet and easy day.  Slept in, played WoW and took our first shot of Lupron.  I am feeling just very excited about getting started.  I feel a little bit of fear that the time is here - it isn't about hope or looking forward now - it is happening now.  It is kind of a mix of worry about every little thing I do and how it will effect the outcome and excitement of thinking about actually being pregnant after 9 long years.

The shot (it has been 2 years since our last one) caused a bit of anxiety for DH and I.  We were so nervous but it didn't hurt as usual, just some itching at the injection site.  Not a big deal.  I'm trying to visualize the lupron slapping my pituitary around and telling it what to do. 

"Excuse me, Mrs. Putuitary?  Yes, we won't be needing your services this month.  Please take this vacation courtesy of Lupron."

We celebrated Mother's Day today since my husband has to work tomorrow.  I decided after talking to the girls at Hannah's Prayer to stay off caffeine just so I won't regret it later.  Needless to say my head is still throbbing.  If I can stick it out I know it will be worth it.  My parent's bought a bowflex so dad can still workout when his time in cardiac rehab wears off.  It took like 5 hours to put it together!  Geesh, for as expensive as they are it should come with that shirtless hot guy to put it together for you.

Oh, dildocam how I missed thee.

So I had my baseline ultrasound/bloodwork for IVF #1 today!  We are on our way.  This is my first time for monitoring at this new clinic and they just gave me another reason to love them.  They used lubricant on our friend the dildocam.  The previous clinic said they CAN'T use lubricant because it "messes up the ultrasound."  What a bunch of bull!  I thought so at the time but was too meek to question it.  I love my clinic!

So, if everything is ok with my bloodwork, I will start Lupron 20 units on Sunday evening and then Lupron 20 and Follistim 225 on Monday twice a day.  I go back in for monitoring on Thursday the 15th.  It is frustrating to  have to wait some more but I guess that is the point of a "flare" protocol - to get that boost of FSH from my body before suppression.

//pause for family and friends:
Lupron is a drug that stops my body from producing any hormones itself to aid egg maturation because they want to control it with...
Follistim is a synthetic Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) that makes lots of eggs mature!
//end pause.

After I talked to the nurse about caffeine and she said it isn't a big deal!  I don't know what to do now.  I'm sitting here with a thumping headache because I haven't had any caffeine in 2 days and she's saying it isn't a big deal regardless of research to the contrary.  What to do?

Finally, CD 1 has arrived we can finally get the show on the road.

You would think that this would be a happy day since I finally got what I wanted but I had a really bad IF day.  Two of my good friends are pregnant.  One kept it from me so as not to hurt me, which always hurts 10x as bad.  I'm just so frustrated at the injustice of it all.  Why do some people get to be surrounded by children and I have to suffer with this pain that is just beyond explanation.  It is like someone is squeezing my heart and I can't breath.  I feel like I will die.  It is such a simple thing I crave - a child to love.  Is that too much to ask?

/cry

I don't want to be morose.  I've been doing so good - thinking positive thoughts and doing my meditation.  The day finally comes when I can start this miracle month of IVF brought on by God's grace and the kind heart of some very rich people and I'm bawling like an IF newbie.  You would think 9 years would give me more backbone than this. 

So I"m off to meditate so I can find my happy and hopeful center again.  I pray to God that my ovaries shine this month with perfect eggs and that we could finally be blessed with the baby we yearn for.  May I savor each day of the journey so that the prize is that much more appreciated.

The first is part of the Health Journey's series by Belleruth Naparstek. It is called Guided Meditation Help for Infertility. It consists of 2 CDs and 4 (~20 min. each) different guided meditations: (1)envisioning successful fertilization - inside or outside the body; (2) repeating calming affirmations; (3) gaining respite from the daunting procedures and help with general coping; (4) helping with grief, resolution and reclaiming one's life.

I have listened to the first and second one so far. She starts with general relaxation - deep breathing, relax your muscles, and focus on what's going on inside. Then she draws you attention to positive thoughts about your body's ability to provide a safe and healthy place for a new life. The second session does not have the relaxation and can be used in a non-relaxing atmosphere (i.e. in your car) and it is affirmations. Although I haven't listened to it I am comforted by the fact that I will have that 4th one to listen to. I liked these CDs, Belleruth has an amazing voice that is very relaxing. I would recommend this for anyone suffering from IF unless you are doing IVF, then I would choose the next set...

The second program is called Meditation for IVF and it is available online (only?). Note that this company sells other CDs for different IF problems such as PCOS, natural cycles, etc. I have the 1 on IVF and it consists of 4 (20 min. each) parts also: Track 1: Hitting Your Mark! From shots to retrieval; Track 2: Rest and Rejuvenate - between retrieval and transfer; Track 2: Baby's Sweet Spot! From Transfer to Implantation (week 1 of 2 week wait); Track 4: The Waiting Game! From Implantation to Pregnancy Test (week 2 of 2 week wait).

I have only listened to the first one of these (because of where I am in my cycle) and I LOVE it! It starts with progressive relaxation - toes to face - with deep breathing. She starts by saying "you have nothing to do right now except listen and relax." Whew! Someone gave me permission for me time! After relaxation she guides you through imagery of your ovaries growing "perfect" eggs and reiterates several times that "your body is working with the medication" to make the best possible eggs. With my eyes closed I picture my ovaries growing and getting bumpy with ripening follicles. I really really loved this meditation. I felt revitalized and peaceful and content when it was finished. I can't recommend this enough! If you are doing IVF get this! You can download it right online and listen today!

Still no AF.  I can feel it but I'm still waiting.

Tonight I "nested."  That's what I'm going to call it.  I arranged all my paraphernalia for stimming on a wooden tray: syringes, follistim pen, alcohol swabs, gauze.  Along with a picture of an infant and the words, "you are stronger than you think."  I call it nesting because I know that I did it out of desperation to be doing something.  I'm meditating every day and reading all I can about nurturing yourself through IVF.  If AF doesn't come soon I don't know what I'll have left to do to make myself feel like I'm doing something positive to effect our outcome.

It is such a dizzying game.

I want to tell everyone really quick about a wonderful friend I have named Zoe.  She is my best friend despite the fact that we have lived several states away from each other for 5 years.  In the beginning I would have said that Zoe was one of the people who most often said things that felt like a punch in the stomach - unintentionally, of course.  Things like "well at least you get to sleep in on Saturday."  I used to silently fume about these types of statements when I realized that if I didn't tell her that it hurt me how would she ever know?  When I talked to her about it she was glad that I told her and I know that she has spread the word to other people she meets about how to treat people dealing with IF.  Zoe reads my blog to keep up on me because I do tend to isolate myself from others (particularly others with children) during treatment.  She left me a message this weekend to tell me that she was thinking about me and praying for our IVF and that she loved me.  I still haven't called her back.  I can't explain why.  It just seems like more than I can handle to pretend to be happy go lucky on the phone.  But, her phone call meant so much to me, I can't even describe.  It was like a long distance hug.  She respected my need for space and didn't make me feel bad for being a crappy friend right now.  That is the greatest gift she could give me.  I love you Zoe.  :)

Well, I just got back from my mini-vacation and it was fabulous. TMI alert: frankly we lounged around naked for two full days alternating between the couch and hot tub! Gotta love secluded cabins!

So I am on pins and needles wanting to start this IVF ball rolling but since I'm on a microdose protocol (aka no bcp) I have to wait for AF to start stimming. HURRY AF...wow haven't said that ... ever!

I am gearing up by creating myself a "Flourishing with IVF" (as opposed to just "surviving") care package. I got some good books to read that AREN'T What to Expect When You Are Expecting! I also got some guided meditation CD's for IVF at Amazon (listed below) and the book Guide Me Through This Barren Land, a daily devotional for IF. I'm also doing yoga every day to clear my mind and stay positive. My goal this cycle is to be calm and optimistic and open to experience every day of the process. If it works I will have this beautiful time to remember the creation of my child and if it does not I will be in a healthier place to deal with it. I don't want to wish the month away I want to enjoy the journey.

Here are the CD's and Books I got:

Health Journeys Guided Meditations Help For Infertility (Audio CD)
by Belleruth Naparstek (Author)

Nurturing Yourself Through IVF: Improve Your Experience, Maximize Your Odds of Success (Paperback)
by Lynn Daley (Author)

Guide Me Through This Barren Land (Paperback)by Vicki Caswell (Author)

Does anyone else have a plan or hints for coping...or flourishing.

I saw Baby Mama this evening. Overall the movie was very funny and enjoyable to watch. As an IF patient there were parts that made me cry although I'm in a place where that is ok. They did a good job of showing how overwhelming the desire to have a child can be and some of the crazy things people say. It was also an uplifiting and "feel good" comedy so it doesn't dwell on the horror or pain at great lengths.

I would recommend it as long as you are in a place where the pain of IF is something you can explore or willing to laugh about. If it is so raw that you try to avoid thinking about it at all - don't go see this as it will hit a nerve. As far as public consciousness I really still hope that this opens someone's eyes.

Plus it was really funny. You will never look at extra virgin olive oil the same!


****Spoilers below Scroll to read: Don't read if you want to see the movie! **********


First off, I liked that her diagnosis wasn't something flimsy like "advanced maternal age" she actually had a diagnosis.

My biggest problem with the movie is that she does in fact get pregnant. After trying ART (including IVF) and then going with a surrogate who falsely passes her own pregnancy off as the surrogate - she meets the right guy and gets pregnant. I guess this type of thing happens and good for people that get pregnant naturally after IF. However, I was disappointed at the perpetuation of the stereotype that IF women are just being impatient and "when the time is right" it will happen. AKA, when you find the right guy, get the right job/house/etc. Granted, in the movie they even say that she has a 1 in a million chance but I think the non-IF savvy movie goer will walk away with a more "IF doesn't exist if you just wait long enough". I have been PI for 9 years. People are always saying to me "it will happen" and "when the time is right". Ummm, no. IF is a MEDICAL CONDITION. My husband's sperm, if they survive long enough are INCAPABLE of penetrating an egg. We are not going to get pregnant if we just "keep at it." And I am not being impatient. Ugh.

Anyways, that was my complaint.

Either way, I do think that just hearing about infertility is good for the masses. I am optimistic that story lines of this nature will do for IF what Rainman did for autism.

I've been travelling for work and I have to say it is a blessing.  It is keeping me busy so I don't read every piece of research on IVF success.  Being a science librarian sure has its down sides!

I was in Washington DC this past week learning about the legistlative side of NASA - very interesting.  This week I'll be in California at NASA JPL working with Google.  Very exciting.

When I get back, hubby and I are spending 3 days in a cabin in Hocking Hills State Park to relax/ramp up for our IVF which will begin when AF arrives in May.

I've been on a little bit of an infertility advocacy kick.  My sister has a rare disease called psoriatic arthritis and I always thought she would feel more powerful if she became a crusader for it.  I am now part of the Women's Advisory Group where I work.  (Even though I realize this is not just a women's issue) This provided a great forum to talk about infertility.  The idea was well received and it was..well...invigorating!

Ok, long story short - I wanted to find some swag and headed to Resolve, where I can't find a single shirt! (tell me if I'm wrong).  I went to Cafe Press, which has a little (and alot of cute things for IVF babies!).  Nothing that got me excited.  So, I made some up myself.  I mostly made it so I could get one but I also made a "store" called 1 in 8 at Cafe Press if anyone else is interested (see my two designs below).  I wanted something about raising awareness.  I often say if I had <fill in blank of illness> everyone would understand without an explanation (or stupid advice).  I know lots of people find infertility a very private matter but no one can advocate for us but US!  Anyways I'd love feedback on the shirts, mugs, and bags!  If you want something specific I can make it. 

This podcast is just chuck full of information.  She really addresses questions that real women would ask.  I would recommend it!

Yesterday hubby and I had the day off and we took a "window shopping" visit to Babies R Us.  We just walked around and talked and dreamed.  I know some people think this is a terrible thing to do but it just keeps us positive.  I'd rather think positive and be happy than "not get my hopes up" which, of course, means pretending that my hopes aren't up.  News flash:  my hopes have been up for over 8 years.  What is so bad about hope anyway?  I say hope away!  A BFN is going to hurt...it is going to hurt.  Being positive or hopeful isn't going to make it hurt more or less.

Last night my belly ring got caught on the door jamb and ripped clean out of my stomach!  Ouch.  It has been in there without coming out even once for 10 years.  I guess I don't have to pay to have it removed now if I get pregnant.  :)

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I feel elated and SO SURE that IVF will work for us one minute and terrified the next. 

I visited my grandparents this weekend and was shocked at the deterioration of my grandmother's mental condition.  She has some kind of cyst on her brain and although the doctors aren't using the word Alzheimer's, it is abundantly obvious to me that is what she is suffering from.  She is always a little forgetful but this was full-fledged mental debilitation.  She can't make a sandwich.  It is so sad.  You can just see the life go out of her at the frustration of not understanding and having to concentrate on everything so hard.  The whole weekend has made me very melancholy.

Whenever I visit my grandparents it always becomes a photo viewing fest!  This time I felt really jealous of my cousins who have given them great-grandchildren.  I'm not hateful toward them, like I might have been two years ago, I love them dearly - but there is still this lingering feeling of being robbed of everything in those pictures. Halloweens, christmases, baths, snow, puppies, etc.  And all of these albums are labled "grandkids" and I just feel empty that I haven't added to them.

Ugh, I don't want to sink into a pity party again.

Today is the happiest BFN ever!  Of course I had to POAS this morning because we are 14dpiui - it was negative.

Then we went to the clinic for STD testing and shot training - basically a pre-IVF appointment.  The nurse looked over our charts and said "you're all ready to go!"  I said "well everything except for that grant."  She looked puzzled and said we must have been approved if we are on her list.  She scurried around the office looking for someone to verify we had been approved and indeed we had!

So, now we count the days until May when I'll start a microdose lupron protocol with follistim and HCG.

/sigh

I had the most disturbing dream last night. 

My mother - who was about 10 years younger in the dream at about 45ish - decided she wanted to have another baby.  She had her tubal ligation reversed and was actively trying to get pregnant.  Calling me and asking about ovulation predictor kits and such.  I was, obviously, a little upset about this!  I mean it is my turn!  The worst part of the dream was that everyone acted like I shouldn't be upset - that I was being mean to Mom by not wanting her to have a baby.

It was so weird.  I woke up kind of discombobulated.

I called Mom and she said, "no thanks."

lol

  12.06 million post-wash motile!  Woohoo!  That is our best ever.  I'm so excited and hopeful.  I prayed and we visualized the sperm fertilizing the egg as I lay for the requisite 10 minutes post IUI. 

I really really hope we get pregnant.  But, if not, I hope we have an answer regarding the IVF before I get a BFN.

Go Spermies Go!!!

If I never see pink lines again it would be too soon.  It seems a cruel twist of fate that the one thing infertile women want to see...2 pink lines...can be so hard to discern on an OPK.

For those of you who don't know 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test means YOU"RE PREGNANT.  On an ovulation predictor kit it means...ummm...well...i'm not sure...it depends...look over here in this light...no angle it more toward the right.  Does that look darker? lighter?  You would think that modern science (that can put a man on the moon, right?) could come up with a better method.

"ferning" in my saliva?  Please...give me a break.

LOL :)

AH, continuting to find humor is what makes this all livable.  So, LH surge...that means we go in for insemination tomorrow morning.  I haven't been to work all week due to the Clomid-side-effect-loop I've been in.  Cest La Vie.

I keep reminding myself that our chances are 1:1,000,000. 

Still a chance though!

You know the quickly spoken blurb of side effects that pharaceutical commericals have to have?  I always thought they were the result of an accidental hypochondriac getting thrown into the clinical trials. 

I was wrong.

In fact, a small percentage of people just WILL get those effects.  I did - all of them - on clomid. Here is a list of Clomid side effects. 

Table 2. Incidence of Adverse Events in Clinical Studies (Events Greater than 1%) (n = 8029*)

Adverse Event	%
Ovarian Enlargement	13.6
Vasomotor Flushes	10.4
Abdominal-Pelvic Discomfort/Distention/Bloating	5.5
Nausea and Vomiting	2.2
Breast Discomfort	2.1
Visual Symptoms	1.5
Blurred vision, lights, floaters, waves, unspecified visual complaints,
photophobia, diplopia, scotomata, phosphenes
Headache	1.3
Abnormal Uterine Bleeding	1.3
Intermenstrual spotting, menorrhagia
*Includes 498 patients whose reports may have been duplicated in the event totals and could not be distinguished as such. Also, excludes 47 patients who did not report symptom data.

I had the most severe nausea I've ever had.  Hot flashes that drenched me in sweat followed by chills.  Uncontrollable vomiting.  It got so bad I had to go to the ER.  I couldn't walk straight because of the blurred vision and dizziness. 

The worst part is when you have a bad effect of a drug there isn't anything the doctors can do but wait out the drug getting out of you system.  They gave me some IV anti-nausea meds that helped me open my eyes at least.  This started Friday on my last dose of Clomid and just started getting better earlier today (Tuesday).  Yuck.

Anyways - Saline ultrasound was perfect and FSH was good (I'll get numbers next week when hubby and I go in for communicable disease testing for IVF).  So, I officially have a clean bill of fertility health so far.  That is great news for IVF.

Still waiting on getting that grant.

***If any of my cycle sistas (from cyclesista.com) are reading this - I tried to post comments on everyone's blogs and several allow only Bloggers to comment.  :(  I just wanted to  let you know in case you weren't aware - when I first started this blog I had it set up that way and didn't know till someone told me.  If you mean to have it that way - Good Luck!  I'll be reading anyways.***

This month is my Clomophene Challenge ('Clomid' for a the namebrand).  Clomophene Citrate is a drug that stimulates a woman's ovaries to ovulate.  It is often a first step of fertility treatment for women who are anovulatory.  In my case they are using it to test my "ovarian reserve."  Basically, they took my estrogen and FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels yesterday and then I will take Clomid for 5 days.  On day 10 of my cycle they will test my estrogen and FSH again.  The hope is that my FSH stays very low.  If it was elevated, that would mean the Clomid didn't stimulate me enough and my ovaries need more prodding.  This is having a "low ovarian reserve" basically my ovaries are old.  It really just informs them about the needed protocol for IVF.  Still, cross your fingers that my FSH stays low.  Dealing with just one infertility factor is better than two (or three, or four).

On CD (cycle day) 9, I'll also have a saline ultrasound that will show my uterus to be free of adhesions, polyps, and endemetriosis.  Now, since we are stimulating, my doctor also wants to do an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  I'm not really considering it an attempt at pregnancy but I'm sure I'll feel differently during the TWW (two week wait).

So that's where I am for now.  I guess I'll send my name into Cycle Sistas and keep my hopes up.

I feel so blessed now by my rock-bottom landing and bounce back.  Not only has it given me back my long-lost and much needed faith in God but it has had many other blessings.

One is a wonderfully renewed marriage.  More about that later.

I am amazed to find I feel no jealousy toward mothers or pregnant women!  I am free from that oppressive, dark emotion.  I feel overjoyed for them - they are being given (or have been giving) a wonderful gift!  I have several pregnant friends and I truly feel joy for them - not forced joy.

I wonder if I'm ready to be around or hold a small child?  That one still scares me very much.  Just thinking about holding an infant makes me feel this deep, dark, hole of pain in my chest. 

Baby steps I guess.

Oh yeah, CD1!!  Let the Clomid Challenge Begin!  Bring it on!

My application for the IVF grant is out of my hand.  I felt like I smashed my heart flat and pushed it through that fax machine. 

Please, please, please.  Dear God, please.

Ah!  Why didn't I find a support group years ago?

Last night I went to my first infertility support group offered through my church, Still Waters.  It is lead by the author of Guide Me Through This Barren Land: A Devotional for the Childless Woman, Vicki Caswell.  There were 5 of us including the leader so it was a very small intimate group.  I told my story briefly - I was very worried about this since christians have such a wide variety of views on reproductive technology.   I was honest with what we had tried and were willing to try in the future and everyone seemed to understand regardless of their own beliefs.  So, I was well relieved to see such open mind to the very personal decisions that come with IF. 

I had a terrible day yesterday with a broken car and a rainforest of frozen-broken-pipe-water in my living room.  I almost didn't go to the meeting and I'm so glad I did.  At one point, Vicki was reading her talk for a women's conference she is speaking at this weekend and I just burst into tears.  She actually had to stop while I pulled myself together!  She was at the point where she was talking about being angry at God and even not praying for a while and I just had the wave of relief that someone else felt like me and I wasn't alone.  Of course I knew I wasn't alone in IF - but I truly felt alone and ashamed of my anger towards God.  She reminded us of Job which I plan to read again.  My memory of Job is "terrible things happened but Job praised God."   Well, many of us conveniently forget the middle part where Job was angry and brought his anger to God.  I have been carrying this burden alone because I thought I couldn't bring anger to God.  Crazy!! God can handle it!  The relief I felt was overwhelming.

My pain and loneliness and anger aren't gone this morning but I feel something beautiful anyhow...hope.

So it has been several weeks since that doctor's appt. and I have procrastinated terribly on filling out the paperwork for that grant for IVF. 

Procrastinate isn't the right word.  People procrastinate when they are apathetic.  I am far from apathetic I am terrified.

I feel like this is the writing of my life.  What I say here will determine if we can have a child.  I know this isn't rational - but come on!  This beats any college app or grad school paper ever.  I wish I knew the key to unlock their hearts and let them pour their money on us!

So here I share what I've written.

Please God hear our prayer.

Here are the walk through papers our doctor filled out while speaking to us.  Remember she was across the desk from us so she drew that perfect uterus upside down!

Where to start?

I abandoned this blog at the same time I abandoned my life and my hope.  I went to a very dark place.  This place was lonely and sad.  My husband went to his own dark place.  We almost lost each other.  That was 2006. 

New Year's Eve 2007 I said "goodbye 2006, 2007 has to be better!"

6 days later my Dad had a heart attack.  This is how the rest of the year went:


So what did God bring me in 2007?

During all this I was going to therapy for my depression (yes, I went to the pregnant therapist, she was great) and spend a great deal of time working on my marriage.  I learned to get honest with myself and my support group.  I'm not perfect, I hurt, I can't always handle it.  I don't have everything I want...but I am blessed all the same.

Ok, 2008, I'm going to be 33 let's get back to baby.  Through much tears we have decided on donor insemination.  Biology is crap!  We want to be parents and a large part of that experience is pregnancy and delivery for us.  I didn't like my RE, I need a new doctor.  I ask around, I pick a new doctor.

...and today was my appointment.

Dr. A is amazingly different from the cold clinical Dr. D.  She spends 45 minutes with us.  We are late due to weather and she does not give us attitude. She ASKS US WHAT WE WANT!  We tell her our problem and say we are looking at donor sperm.  She says she will help us and explains the process.

Then she says "But.."

"there is the financial grant program for IVF."  I listen stunned as she explains a "second chance" program designed for IVFers who fail their first cycle.  They are branching out to first timers who can't afford it.

"Do you make a combined income of less than $100,00?"  Hell yes, alot less.

She explains IVF in detail, handwritten while she speaks on 10 pages of paper with diagrams.  DIAGRAMS!  Once again the difference between these two doctors is amazing.  I will try to post the diagrams later they are great.  I gulp when she mentions embryo...I don't want to think about our embryo, the embryo of my egg and my husbands sperm.  Hope bubbles up and lodges in my throat.

"What are the chances we would get approved for this grant?"  I ask.

She explains the goal of the program and that she has regretted giving it to people because they didn't realize the gift they were being given.  She thinks we are great candidates (history:  male factor - IUI was stupid for us from the begining, IVF was always the way) and our likelihood of getting the grant is "very probable."

"You mean my baby could have my husband's eyes?"  I burst into uncontrollable sobs.  I can't believe there is this lifeline, this thread of hope when all hope seemed lost.  I literally want to fall to my knees and praise God.  I sob into my husbands shoulders.

Tomorrow there is paperwork to fill out and feelings to sort out - excited, scared.  But today I feel...shocked.  stunned. 

Blessed

In what can only be described as a staggering display of irony...my new counselor is....

DRUMROLL PLEASE....

Pregnant!!!

You just have to laugh....you have to laugh or you'd have to cry.

But really, she was nice and I am hopeful that this can make a difference...

kind of...

:)

I'm so sorry for being incomunicado for so long.  I've been having some very hard times.  Yesterday I called and asked for a referral to a counselor.  My sense of self and my marriage are taking a hit.  I will take it is a good sign that I am having the foresight to take action.  Wow, what a silver lining that is.

I will try to catch up on everyone's blogs.  I  hope you are all pregnant!  And if not, in a better place emotionally than I.

I just wanted to pop in with a huge THANKS for all your comments on my last post.  I'm embarassed reading it - what a wuss!  :)  No, I know that everyone has days like that and I need to give myself permission to have one myself.  I've kind of needed a few days off to lick my wounds.  In the meantime I have been woefully absent from blogland and I apologize for that.  Please don't take that to mean that your comments haven't been a god-send to me.  Each one is llike a virtual hug and it makes me a little more whole with each one.

THANKS!

I went to lunch today with a friend and then went to this new scrapbooking store (for the record I am not a scrapbooker but this store could convert me).  I was walking along and then hit the baby section and just started balling my eyes out.  I've been waking up in tears all week with this recurring dream about my Dad cooing over a baby that is not mine.  The effort of pretending I'm ok is killing me slowly.  And, like Lut C. I feel I am seriously slipping at work.  I think I headed for a nervous breakdown.

I immediately feel like I need to apologize for complaining to all the women who have done way more medicated cycles or much more complex treatments like IVF.  I sometimes feel I'm not entitled to my feelings because others have endured more than I.  Logically, I know that none of the wonderful women of the IF-blogosphere would want or expect me to feel this way.  It is just another layer in my guilt-ridden self-inflicted masochism.

Still no LH surge.  I think I may not ovulate at all this month.  I don't even feel a twitch in my ovaries like they are shut down completely.  I just don't get it and I feel so angry.  I mean, why?  For goodness sake, why?  Isn't this hard enough?  Isn't it unjust enough that my wonderful husband might not be able to pass on his beautiful eyes and wavy black hair?  Who decides who "wins" this terrible IF lottery?  To top it off, how DARE the insurance lobby deny me treatment?  How dare they lie against the entire medical community and say it is experimental or not medically neccessary?  Let's see how happy they are when they're paying for my extended stay in a padded room.

Does this count as IUI#3?  I mean technically there was no insemination but doesn't the ride on the roller coaster count as a ride even if you have to get off half way through.  I'm sorry but emotionally when (if) the next cycle starts it will feel like #4 to me.

I just can't take it anymore.  So, ok, this month there were no shots, no hormones, no bloating, no painful cervical catheter to complain about.  No abyssmal motile sperm numbers or equally awful follicle counts to cry over.  No 2ww to agonize over.  It was a bunch of nothing - why does it hurt so bad? 

Oh, that's right because there was also no baby.

Again.

I want so much not to want this anymore.  I want to be free of the longing that makes my heart ache.

I'm so happy for Flygirl.  Her post made me cry as I imagined my turn at the telling.

Um, so ok.  No positive OPK yet.  CD19.  WTF?  Can a couple cycles of stims mess up your regular cycles?  I'm terrified because we went into this with one problem (MF) we don't need another.  I called the RE today to see if she had any insight.  Now the wait for the call begins.

Ugh.  I am at work on a Saturday since I will probably miss work on Mon or Tue for my IUI.  Guess what I just learned?  They shut off the HVAC systems for the weekend.  It must be 80 degrees in this office and completely stagnant with no air circulation at all.  Joy.

So I started POAOPKS (ha, new acronym!  Pee on an ovulation predictor kit stick!) last night.  I should surge tonight or tomorrow and IUI on Sun or Mon.  Last month I started spotting at 7dpiui so I voiced my concerns and have been prescribed progesterone suppositories.  (My wonderful husband said, "you mean up the butt?" with this look of horror on his face.  Um, no honey, VAGINAL suppositories.) 

So I have a conundrum - I've never had a short lp until last month (reminder:  we are MF as far as we know) and this could be caused by the injections.  Since I am au naturale this month I feel like there is really no reason that my lp should be short.  Actually, I'd almost like to see if it is too short without the injections because that would be a new development.  I'm going to San Francisco right in the middle of my 2ww.  Do I really want to be hopped up on p4? 

In all honesty, do I really think it is going to matter?

That is really the crux of it.  I'm honestly doing this IUI because we said we'd do 3.  I have given up all hope after last month's abysmal numbers.  We are just spinning our wheels.  I know it only takes one egg and one sperm, but after 7 years I really feel the problem is larger than they can ascertain.  The antibodies crippling his sperm are only seen as a decrease in motility.  What if for every sperm that is motile there is still an antibody attached to the head inhibiting fertilization?  These aren't things they really look at.  Semen Analysis is such a vague science.

I am ready to move on. 

However, I am still superstitious enough to think I would jinx us if I discuss our next steps here before this cycle is through.  I'll wait it out. 

****Edited**** to add - Go give Flygirl some love!  Congrats!

YEAH!!  I got tagged.  I love this stuff.  Getting to know each other is what makes us, as Thalia so eloquently says, a community.  Thanks to Vanilla Dreams for tagging me!

I apologize in advance for the length of the first answer.  If you stick with me I promise the other answers are short and sweet!

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Current Job - Librarian at NASA.  Please don't say, "NASA has librarians?"  Of course they do - a research organization is only as good as its access to information.  And I really hate..."so, what? Do you shelve books all day?"   UGHHH!  The people shelving books at your local library are NOT librarians.  All Librarians aren't nice old ladies with sensible shoes and buns reading books to toddlers (not that those librarians are bad things- we all remember a kindly children's librarian from our youth).  Some librarians are scientists cum research analysts.  Think of your university librarian times 100.  Want to know what a Librarian is? Read Why You Should Fall To Your Knees and Worship a Librarian by the Librarian Avenger.

Whew...can you tell I have to defend my profession's honor daily?  Sorry for the mini-rant.  Anyway,  I do all the information architecture for the Library.  I love my job and I love working for the space program - it is like being part of something bigger than myself that will benefit all mankind.

2.  I've been a librarian at numerous universities/colleges.

3.  I taught 6th grade science for 1 year.

4.  I taught ballet and lyrical dance through high school.

Four movies I watch over and over:

I'd like to note that this asks what movies I watch over and over not which movies are my favorite.  This is an important distinction.  I love To Kill a Mocking Bird but it is not the movie I put in the DVD player every night to fall asleep to or to clean the house to.  These are my feel-good movies that I watch at least 20 times a year.  My husband and I call them OBG - oldies but goodies:

1.  I'll make it unanimous and say Princess Bride.  I watch it so much I actually enjoy watching it in Spanish (even though I speak little). 
2.  Galaxy Quest.  Another one I love to watch again and again.  Try out the Thermian language track on the DVD - if you dare.
3. Snatch and any Guy Ritchie movie.
4. Chocolat and any Johnny Depp movie.
5.  I need to add a 5th - I probably watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation EVERY DAY from Thanksgiving to New Year's.  I think Chevy Chase is so funny.  "I couldn't be more surprised if I woke up tomorrow with my face sewn to the carpet."  LOLLLLL!

Four places I have lived:

1. Tiny village of Damascus, Ohio
2. El Paso, TX (Ft. Bliss)
3. St.Petersburg, FL (Tampa Bay)
4. Cleveland, Ohio

Four TV shows I love:

Note:  I don't have cable so I don't get to watch some of the goodies
1. Jeopardy
2. Law and Order
3. Buffy and Angel (I know they are no more but I love them still)
4. Firefly (also cancelled - best damn TV show EVER)

Four places I have been on vacation:

1. San Salvador, Bahamas - stayed on an abandoned US Naval Base with my university class studying phycology (study of algae).  Best 3 credits ever.
2.  Luxembourg
3. Great St. Bernard's pass, Swiss/Italian border - not only a beautiful Alps destination but home to my favorite things on earth
(I've been all over Europe but these (2 and 3) are some of the places I love the most that most Americans never get to on their whirlwind tour of the continent.)
4. The North American Continental Divide (aka the Great Divide) - I backpacked up the Rocky Mts. to this place where the waters divide - east to the Atlantic/Gulf watershed and west to the Pacific. 

Four websites I visit daily:

1. Fertility Friend
2. RawSugar - social bookmarking
3. LibraryThing - social cataloging
4. Blogs - between IF, Sci/Tech, NASA, and Librarianship I monitor close to 300 blogs daily.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Chocolate
2. Thai
3. Chipotle
4. French toast

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Home in bed, reading my Sherrilyn Kenyon Dark Hunter Novel
2. Spa - getting a hot stone message
3. The International Space Station
4. Machu Picchu

Four favorite bands/singers:

1. The Cure
2. Fugazi
3. Afghan Whigs
4. Violent Femmes
5.  (oh, oh, I have more) Sublime, Jane's Addiction, Save Ferris, Lemonheads, etc.


Four people I tag (sorry if you've already been tagged):

1.  I've never been to Belize (this is my hubby's blog about movies)
2.  Fertile Soul
3.  Which way to Baby?
4.  Wishing on a Star
5.  Prop Your Hips Up Afterwards (sorry Beth if you've done this on your old blog - I missed it and would love to hear from you!)

But, hey - we are a community!  If you want to have your turn, consider yourself tagged and GO FOR IT!

First, I want to send everyone over to read StellaNova's beautiful metaphor, The End is Still Darkness.  Beautiful and touching.

So, right now it is 10:28PM.  At midnight tonight I turn 31 years old.  I have never hated my birthday before.  I'm not the type to get upset at getting old.  I wouldn't be 21 again if you paid me (unless, of course, you paid me enough for IVF! ).  However, this birthday just makes me want to cry.  I don't want a birthday or a birthday cake or any festivities.  I want a BABY!  I just want to scream into the cosmos - PLEASE, I just want a baby.  I don't know how I will endure all the well wishing tomorrow.  The thought of plastering a smile on my face for a cake cutting makes me want to call in sick.  Of course, my office mates, god bless them, will just wait until the next day.  I guess I can't call off forever (can I?).

Our best friends (C&Y) are getting a divorce.  It looks like it is quickly dissolving into an ugly divorce.  They have two beautiful kids.  I feel bad for them one minute and the next I want to slap them sensless (my friends, not the kids!).   Most of all though I just feel that I don't have the emotional energy to take on their pain.   I have complained here before about  my friends who have abandoned me  because of IF.  I also have to take some blame for being a shite friend.  I'm totally avoiding my one friend (Hi, Z) because I just don't have the energy to talk to anyone about IF; and I really don't want to talk about anything else.  When C or Y call I just don't feel like there is any room on my worry plate to fit their side dish.  This plate is all full with the wonderful main course.

On the menu today: 
 

Hallelujah!  Norfolk International Airport has free wireless access!  I hate paying 9.95 for 24 hours notice when I'm going to be in an airport for less than 2 hours. 

So, I have been on business travel this week in Virginia.  I really debated earlier this month whether I should bow out of this trip.  I knew I would a) be pregnant (yeah, right) or b) be very upset at another failed cycle.  In hind sight it was the best thing for me.  You know travel can be a mini-vacation, even if it is work related.  For a few sweet days my normal responsibilities were suspended.  I had to show up, participate, be brilliant.  But, I didn't have to finish that report, go to meetings (and more meetings), make major decisions, etc.  AND, the best part is my evenings are huge empty vacuums of time.  I fill this time with...Romance Novels.

Ok, I admit it I LOVE TO READ ROMANCE NOVELS.  And not the "high brow" kind.  I like bodice-rippers. And frankly, throw in a pirate, highlander, or vampire and I'm on cloud nine.  This is almost embarrassing.  In my real life I'm an uber-intellectual.  I have enough college degrees that I actually need a 12-step addicts program.  I work, literally, with rocket scientists all day.  Hey, it is time to come out of the closet.  Romance novels are engrossing, sweet, exciting, and always have a happy ending.  My favorite author is Phillip K. Dick.  A little deep if your goal is to relax for a short while.  My current faves are Karen Marie Moning and Sherrilyn Kenyon (btw, if you are not familiar with library thing - is a great way to create your own book catalog - check it out.  You can also add your books to your blog, as I do on the left below so people can see what you are reading).  Can't get enough.

I read very fast so I can read one per evening.  This means a 4 day business trip is four trips into the story of someone else's life.  I can't think, I can't worry, I fall asleep with a smile on my face.   It is bliss.

So, does this mean I've come to grips in some way with this terrible process that conception has become.  NO.  When it drifted into my mind unbidden I felt such waves of sadness and a pinch of bitterness that threatens to engulf me.  That scares me the most.  I don't want to let this darken my soul but sometimes I fear it is out of my hands.  I want a child more than anything and yet when I see a child or a family or a pregnant woman I feel overwhelmed with jealousy.  I go out of my way to avoid situations with children.  It seems to be a weird dichotomy of hating to see the thing I want the most. 

Lately the idea that I'm not meant to have children and I should find another focus has been creeping into my mind.  This is not a foreign thought.  It is the reason I have been so slow to seek IF treatment and why July 2006 was the 7th anniversary of our search for baby.  Is this thought right?  Or, is it just cowardice that makes me want to pretend to not want it - because I'm afraid I can't have it.  Is ignorance bliss?

It is a compulsion.  I am afraid to NOT try to get pregnant.  I couldn't stim this month since I have several business trips.  However, we plan to do a natural IUI cycle.  Am I doing it to get pregnant or to prove to everyone just how awful this condition is?  If they see me fail again and again they will get it more and more.  This is already true with my family and friends.  I don't think they have "gotten it" for the past 6 years.  But, with each failure and broken heart they start to see that this is not a "bummer."

Thank you so much for the kind thoughts from my blogland friends.  It means so much to know that there are people out there rooting for me as I root for them.  I apologize for being behind on everyone's blogs - I can't wait to catch up and see where everyone is at. 

What doesn't kill us is supposed to make us strong, right?

Well, I'm not spotting anymore.  AF arrived full force.  I just have no words in me right now.  More later.

Ok, I almost don't want to post this because tomorrow I'm going to feel like an idiot.  Hey, if I'm going to blog I might as well parade my hope, pain, misery, and stupidity all accross the web.

I am 7dpiui and this evening I had spotting.  I wasn't even looking because I've been so sure that this cycle is a bust but I guess "looking" is just a habit.  When I saw it I had an instantaneous spike of hope followed immediately by a punch of despair.  I was doing so good with not getting my hopes up this cycle.  I have NEVER, EVER spotted in my lp and this was pink - not pink as in diluted red, but actually pink.  How can this change of pace for my body not make me hopeful? 

Even now I am sure I can feel AF coming on.  Why must my body always find new ways to mock me?  I've gotten past phantom nausea, breast pain, and any myriad of "pregnancy" symptoms that my body has thrown my way.  And now this.

Three things can come of this:

1.  AF arrives tomorrow:  WTF?  talk about luteal phase defect!  I don't think 7 days is going to fall into normal and maybe they should give me the damn progesterone like I fucking asked.

2.  No more spotting tomorrow, AF arrives next Tuesday as planned.  My body played the ultimate mind fuck.  If this happens I don't know what I'll do.  Seriously, just thinking about it makes me more depressed than I've ever felt in my life.

3.  We all know the third thing that could happen.

5 dpiui...strangely enough it is moving really fast.  I hope I can keep my mind off the wait.  I'm trying to convince myself that this couldn't possibly have worked and we are ready to move on to step #2 (not ready to divulge our step 2 yet... more later).  In the back of my mind of course I still think that "it only takes one" and the even stupider (is that a word?) feeling that we definitely deserve it this time.  I know, I know... this isn't about deserving or we would all have bouncing babies on our knees right now.

In other news I have a stye in my eye.  I'd like to start a petition to change the name of this ailment.  Saying "STYE in my EYE" makes me feel like a bad Dr. Seuss.  It is a silly name.  What should we call it?  I think maybe:  Really Expensive Ailment That Causes Me To Have To Throw Away A Barely Used Contact Lens and Tube of Mascara Needlessly.  Or how about: Ailment That Has No Effective Over The Counter Treatment (aka; We Can Put A Man On the Moon But Can't Make a Treatment for a Stye?)  Or, how about:  Dear God, Do I Really Have to Go to Work With This Hideous Bump On My Eye?

But, I digress.

Sigh...

Day two yielded 1.2 million also. 

As depressed as I am right now, I'm even more upset because I know that the little devil hope will creep in uninvited and I will manage to be devestated if this cycle doesn't work.

How many unwanted children were born today to undeserving parents who will not love and nurture their offspring?

I tiggered last night at 10pm and went in for our first insemination of IUI#2 this morning at 8am. 

If you will remember our first IUI we had a beautiful day.  This time I can't even try to smile.

(here is our background, so this makes sense)

Our total post-wash motile count was 1.2 million.  I just cried and cried right there on the table.  We actually had our highest sperm count ever at 140.6 million and 23% motility - our best ever. How can we go from 140 to 1.2??? That is less than .01% or our pre-wash. WTF? Is this what antibodies are doing to us? I can just picture the sperm trying to swim through the gradient and being held down by these ugly antibodies. Little fuckers.

I don't even know how to feel about tomorrow.  I'm just filled with despair.

Monitoring today - 1 follie at 19+mm and several in the 14-16 range.  Why does my body refuse to offer up more than one?  Is it possible that some others will catch up?

My e2 is 659 so I'm sure I would ovulate on my own tomorrow even if I didn't trigger - hence no more days of stims to help the smaller ones along. :(

And, of course, the one day ALL SUMMER that I had an important committment at work - July 12 will be insemination morning #2.  I hate letting people down.  My co-worker was able to rearrange the schedule of the conference to move my speech but I just feel like a loser!  IF is hard enough but trying to maintain my "everything is alright; I can do anything" attitude is even harder. 

The worst part of it all is - I feel an almost non-existent hope of actually getting pregnant.  So, that means I'm letting people down at work for nothing.

To add insult to injury - I called my husband so he could start arranging his schedule for tomorrow and Wednesday (we are trying double insem this time) and he said, and I quote:  "this is going to be a pain in the ass."

um...excuse me?

A PAIN IN THE ASS!

How about shots, sore ovaries, mood swings that rival a carnival roller-coaster, in addition to my own work-related crap.  Pain in the ass?  UGHHHHHHHHH

Needless to say I burst into tears and then hung up on him! 

Oh happy day.

*Update: Feeling immediate remorse, my darling husband called back and apologized profusely.  I talked to my co-worker who is coordinating the conference I was to speak at and I have to admit I shamelessly used some tears welling-up to get sympathy (I have been vague, he doesn't know what type of medical thing is going on and I wanted to make sure he didn't think I was getting my nails clipped or something).  The conference will carry on without me - of course. 

It's the Weekend!  Let's all take out our angst!

Bubble Wrap
Let's Go Fishing
Shoot the Smilies

and if you want to really annoy someone, send them this:

Hold the Button

Have a nice Sunday everyone.

P.S. I have gotten rid of my alias (Damona who is the gaul godess of fertility) and just decided to use my name.  I was being inconsistent in what I used and I tried to think of the worst thing that could happen if someone reading my blog figured out who I was...?  I'm thinking no big deal.  So Paige it is.

My fertility clinic is part of a large and well-known medical clinic.  The actual fertility clinic is on the main campus.  I do my monitoring in a satellite clinic.  This means there is no sign on the building that says "fertility clinic" or "reproductive..." whatever.  However, each morning the waiting room shared jointly by the radiology department and the lab where blood is drawn fills with young women. We are each called in one-by-one by one of the IVF nurses that rotate through "satellite clinic duty."  Radiology doesn't even open until 8am.  The hour between 7 and 8 is reserved exclusively for trans-vaginal ultrasounds (aka the dildocam).  We are all there for the same reason.  We all know this.  We will briefly make eye contact and smile a sad knowing smile.  I wonder if they are all thinking what I am thinking.

What is her story?  Do her ovaries hurt as much as mine?  Is this her first cycle?  How long has she been trying?  Does she cry as much as I? 

I also think about the world outside me going on as usual while we sit here enduring infertility and all its trappings.  I think about how I'm going to get to work and want to scream at everyone who says goodmorning, "I've been up for hours.  I've been dildocam'd and blood drawn.  This is way past morning for me and just this side of good."

Mostly though I think to the women sitting there with me...I'm so sorry, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

e2 at 135 - rising for a change!  still lots of follies around 10mm.  One at 11.4.  I hope a few others catch up.  Three more days at 300 units and then monitoring on Monday.

Oops!  So sorry for anyone trying to post comments lately.  I had inadvertently unchecked my "allow anonymous posts" box.  This was completely unintentional and thanks to Lut C. at Things Get IF'fy - I don't think I would have ever known if you hadn't alerted me!  I also hate creating accounts all over town!  I have fixed the problem and anyone should be able to comment now.  I so enjoy the comments!

I had the talk with my boss today and it went really well!  She was sympathetic and understanding.  My biggest fear is that she wouldn't "get it."  You know how some people think infertility means "take a pill and have twins."  I was afraid she wouldn't see the seriousness of the problem.  I worried needlessly (imagine me worrying <insert dripping sarcasm>), she was very sympathetic and offered to work with me to lighten my load at work.  I told her that it is very difficult for me to feel I'm not giving 110% at work.  She said, bless her soul, that I give 200% and if I pedaled back my work I'd still be giving 110%.  This made me feel wonderful!  My other fear is that she would (consciously or unconsciously) steer away from giving me new projects.  She was adamant that she would not do that and I pointed out that I long ago decided NOT to live my life around getting pregnant.  It really seems moot.

Today I took my 6th dose of stims and my second day of 300 IU.  I go in tomorrow for monitoring.  I mentioned before that I had 24 follies going but they were all 10mm or under.  They will of course cancel if a few don't take the lead.  I heard that some women's ovaries really favor a single follicle and the 2-3 for IUI is difficult to achieve.  I really hope we can get a few more targets since we are dealing with MF.

Check out Gravida Zero's great "You Might be Infertile if..."

I had monitoring this morning.  After 4 days with 225 units of Bravelle, I still have no follicles over 10mm and my e2 level is only 47.

47!!!

WTF?  My RE upped my dose to 300 units.  I go back on Friday to see if it is working.  I have 11 follicles around 10mm on the left and 13 on the right.  Alright...all together now... "you'd be great for IVF!'  If I hear this one more time I'll scream.  How can I be such a good responder?  Even in IF I'm overachieving.  I just want to be a C student, ya know?  2, 3, 4 follicles is fine I don't want to set records here. 

This high dosage of FSH (my apologies to IVFers who think this dosage is lightweight) is really playing havoc on my senses.  I'm on the verge of tears continually and I feel like I'm carrying 2 tons of bricks on my shoulders.  The farce of keeping a smile on my face is draining me.  I guess the worst part is that I really feel no hope of actually getting pregnant this cycle - it is more like a hurdle I have to jump to move to the next step - DS, IVF, adoption, childlessness - whatever it is I have to say I did X number of IUIs, right?

Another issue - in the enirety of the summer there is only one day that I absolutely must be at work at 9:30 AM to present at a conference.  Statistically my IUI should not fall on this day...according to Murphy's Law of IF, my IUI will most certainly fall on this day.  I hate letting people down.  I hate feeling like I can't put my personal needs above work needs.  I want to feel that I have a right to take care of myself.  Granted, no one is making me feel this way, everyone had been super supportive, it is me who wants to give 110% in every aspect of my life.   I'm losing sleep over this - not helping my mood or my chances of conception.

Tomorrow is D-day - I'm going to tell my boss about our IF.  Wish me luck.

Note:  I realized that my nifty aconym tags do not work in IE.  If you roll over an acronym it will pop-up the definition but it doesn't show acronyms with the dashed underline.  Damn IE and its crappy support of CSS - why are you using IE anyway, dear reader?  Step up to the Firefox plate - you'll never go back!

New Look; Same Blog

Yes!  You are in the right spot - I changed the look of the blog as I have been meaning to get away from the blog templates.  Sorry if the glitter annoys anyone but I love the way it reminds me of Dorothy's shoes from the Wizard of Oz.  Maybe I can click my heels together and wish for a baby?

Today is the 7th anniversary of TTC.  It was seven years ago this month that DH and I had the "big talk" about not refilling my bcp and starting a family.  That was such a wonderful time.  We were excited but more than a little scared.  We were only 24 and it was such a big step.  The whole next few months were very exciting.  Everytime we looked at each other it was with this tender look of excitement. 

We could never have imagined what the future held.  It has been a very bumpy ride to say the least.  My greatest blessing though is that we have not let this journey damage our greatest asset - our marriage.  When we look at each other we still have the tender look of "you are going to father/mother my children"; even if that look is more than often through tears.  We have grown so much stronger in our struggle to start a family and I know it will make us better parents when the time comes.

Completely off topic.  I have debated how anonymous this blog should be and I have avoided speaking of my job - but I just can't hold back today. I have been blessed to work for the greatest organization in the world - NASA.  Today STS-121 is scheduled for launch.  I know that there are many important and pressing things going on in our world right now and looking to the stars may seem counterproductive.  I invite everyone to take a minute and glory in the best side of humanity.  The side that combines drive, passion, and teamwork with techinical and scientific knowledge to bring humanity together and beyond the boundaries of our problems.  Look up at the sky and see us as we can be.  Watch the launch of Discovery here.

Update:  Launche was scrubbed due to bad weather.  Tune in tomorrow at 3:15 for another try.  I know it is frustrating and anticlimatic to see the launches get cancelled but NASA is extremely careful with the lives of the astronauts.  It has to be perfect conditions.

I wanted to acknowledge some success stories in the IF blogosphere.  Visit the following blogs of IF'ers currently preggo!

Prop Up Your Hips
Male Factor Infertility?
Ovaries on Strike

I wish them all sticky thoughts and uneventful 9 months of bliss!  They are wonderful inspirations to the rest of us.  It can happen!

And IUI #2 begins!

I had my baseline u/s today - NO MORE CYSTS!
Horray!
I will begin with the Bravelle tomorrow at 225 IU for 4 days and return on Wednesday, 7/5 for another bloodwork and u/s.

My month off was nice - I totally zoned out and pretended I didn't have IF for almost 26 days.  Because of that I also didn't keep up with everyone's journey - I'm going to remedy that this weekend as I catch up on all the blogs.

Has anyone seen the special edition of People Magazine?  It is all about celebrity babies.  Being the dedicated masochist that I am I actually bought this!  It is cute (if you are into 400 dollar swaroski crystal baby shoes) and sometimes infuriating (Brittney's pregnancy - make me gag!).

I'm back in the game...hopefully this will be my last inning.

I guess I have been what is called a "bad blogger" for the past couple weeks.  It has been hard to post since I'm not "doing" IF** right now.  Crazy way of thinking, yes?  I've been trying to keep busy to avoid counting the minutes until I can cycle again (sometime the first week of July).  The bcp are making me bitchy (at least that is what I'm going to blame it on) and my skin is broken out.  Aren't bcp somtimes prescribed to clear up skin?

Dr. Phil is doing a show on infertility.  You can sign up and tell your story here.  I'm a Dr. Phil fan I must admit and I'm very happy that he is doing a show on this just for the exposure.  I am concerned that the call for guests never mentions the word infertility.  I hate when it is just referred to a "trouble getting pregnant."  This sounds like a sexual dysfunction - like we aren't quite getting it right.  I think it is important that people see that infertility is a medical condition - or at least a family of medical conditions that impair fertility.  Also, I fear he will focus on the "give it up and adopt" scenario.  I have nothing against adoption and many people with IF end up going this route.  However, I think telling a couple with IF to adopt before they are ready to go there is like telling a woman whose husband has just died to get out there and date.  So, here's to hoping that Dr. Phil does us proud.  I'll post when the show is slated to run.

**note:  by special request I will start using the acronym tag to call out my myriad of acronyms.  When you see an underlined word, hover over it with your mouse to see a pop-up spelling out the acronym.  Try it here: IF

How crazy is this IF world?  I'm officially taking birth control pills to supress my hormones and help my cysts resolve.  I thought I'd never take another bcp after I quit 7 years ago.  Actually, I thought I'd have about 9months off and then start them again.  Ah, life never goes according to plans.  Anyway, I have to thank two buddies on my IF bulletin board and commenter Keeping the Faith for encouraging me to take matters into my own hands.  Why wait to see if a month off works and THEN need to take bcp?  Especially with a 34mm cyst.  The nurses act like "what is a month?"  I want to slap them and say "it is not just a month it is the 84th month!  Back OFF!"  LOL.  No problem, they capitulated quickly.  Just goes to show that you are only going to get the best care if you learn and advocate for yourself.

I'm benched!  I had like 3 follies over 13mm on the left and one at 34mm on the right.  34mm?  WTF?  I haven't done any research on what the heck that means!  Either way - no IUI or stims for me this month while my ovaries calm down.

I really have mixed feelings about this.  I'm partially bummed that I can't do something active to get pregnant this month (although we will go au naturale - since that has worked so well for us <insert scathing sarcasm here>).  On the other hand, it will be nice to have a month off from hoping and worrying.

On another front I found out some additional information about our semen analysis the day of our IUI:

Ok, quick background - our primary problem is male factor due to anti-sperm antibodies which causes artificially low motility and morphology:

SA#1: vol: 5.6
Count: 78.4 million
Motility: 26%
 
SA#2:
Count: 58.2 million
18% motility

SA from IUI #1:
Pre-wash collected in dilution fluid with enzyme to decrease ASA binding:
Volume 8.0 (holy cow!)
Count: 45.6
58% motility (what???)
velocity 43.8
linearity 50%
post-wash: 57% motile
Total count: 9.5 million
Total motile: 5.4 million

First off - I was thrilled about the motility - that dilution fluid really worked for us! Doesn't the post-wash number seem low? I thought we could get approximately half of the total pre-wash count?

Here is the real question: with numbers like this, how many times would you try IUI before moving on?

Boy, I was hoping I could use BFP this week.  Unfortunately...

BFN - Big Fat Negative - a negative result on a HPT or Beta (blood test).

I have recently had two of these - one on Friday and one on Saturday.  The real final straw visited today - AF arrived.  I can't even describe how I feel.  I don't want to talk about it and I cry everytime anyone brings it up.  I feel filled with rage one minute and sorrow the  next.  I just don't understand why this is happening to us. 

Most of all I just can't believe that I have tortured myself with this 30 day cycle of misery almost every month for nearly seven years.  I stopped bith control to "let fate give me a baby"  I didn't try to get pregnant - I just put it in fate's hands.  Nothing happened.  So then I tried.  Temping, timing, waiting.  Nothing.  Ok, maybe fate is waiting for DH to get out of the military.  Nothing.  Ok, DH finishes his college degree.  Nothing.  The doctor refers us to an RE...low count...let's inseminate?  Feels too soon.  Feels to artificial.  Fate is just wating for the right time.  We need to move back home, close to my parents - then I'll get pregnant.  Nothing.  Ok, maybe I'll go to graduate school and get my masters.  Nothing.  I get my dream job.  Nothing.  I get another masters. NOTHING.  Buy a house. NOTHING!!!!

Looking back at this I alterantely feel stupid for ignoring science (I am a scientists for goodness sake) and angry that others supported this view.  I have NEVER had anyone say to me, "maybe you should try medical intervention."   Everyone says "it will happen."  They are wrong it won't just happen.  I spent so many years believing that the time just wasn't right.  It would happen when it was supposed to happen.  Every month I think THIS IS IT.  We are ready now.  We are worthy of a child.  And every month we are slapped with a big FUCK YOU.  NOT NOW.  MAYBE NEXT TIME.

I just hate the pain.  The pain of cycles of hope and failure.  over. and over. and over.

And I'm going to do it again next month.  I'm choosing to do this to myself.  What kind of sick masochism is this?  How many more times do I have to endure this before I am worthy?  How many more times can I endure this before my spirit is broken forever?

Sorry for the downer.  This too will pass - that is part of the cycle.  It is getting harder every time.

Well, if you happened upon my blog yesterday it was "blocked due to bandwidth overage."  Since so many people are viewing my blog I actually went over the allowable amount of bandwidth for my (free) account with Eponym.  I knew it would be back up today since we began a new month - so I didn't upgrade to a paid account.  I'll see if June does the same thing and then decide if I want to upgrade.

I have to say it would definitely be worth them $ to keep this blog opperational.  I'm so overwhelmed by how much this blog, and the comments people post have helped me through each day.  It is humbling to have the invisible community of sisters who care about what is going on with me and are supporting me everyday.  What a blessing.  I set up this blog to vent and journal - I didn't realize that the best thing I would get out of this is a network of friends.

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! 

Well, today I am 9dpiui.  I've had AF type cramps on and off the past few days. I rocket between excitement/hope and failure/despair.  The mood swings are enough to give me whiplash!  Even though some people consider it foolish I plan to POAS tomorrow morning.  I figure if it is BFN, I won't be devistated (because it is not over till you know who shows up) and if it is BFP I can start celebrating (read: worrying about doubling!).

I will keep my wonderful blog friends posted!

Dear emby,

Welcome to the world.  I know you have been very busy for the past few days.  Fighting your way in the dark.  Bouncing down a narrow passageway all the while dividing and dividing.  You have grown into a morula and then a perfect blastocyst.  You have finally reached your destination.  I have made it a warm and inviting place for you to land.  Hatch out of that hard outer shell and nestle down into the soft place I have made for you.  Hunker down, cover your head. Stick.  Be warm and nurtured.  I will keep you safe while you grow.  I know you have been doing most of the work so far and you will be for many months.  I will do my part by being gentle to myself - your home - and eating nutritious foods for you.  I've loved you since before you started your journey, please be safe until I can hold you in my arms.

All my love,
Mom

eCards for the 2ww'er:  http://www.twoweekwait.com/ecards/

Captains Log...Stardate 11 days till POAS...

I told DH to day that I can't imagine being pregnant.  I'm not trying to be negative I just honestly can't imagine getting TWO pink lines.  I think I'll faint from the shock.

Cycle number 82 since TTC.  6 years 11 months.  I've seen too many negatives to imagine a positive.

This, of course, will not make it any easier to see a negative.

Luckily work is really keeping me busy.  I wish I could say here where I work but I  have the absolute coolest job ever.  I love everything about it (except that insurance doesn't cover IVF - but hey, at least it covers IUI).  I'm involved in a really great project that makes me go 2-3 hours without even analyzing lower abdomen twinges or calculating exactly to what degree my boobs hurt. 

On a more sour note.  I'm really developing a hate problem.  I'm a nice person.  I rarely hate people.  But lately I seem to have a lot of venom for pregnant women, women with children, women without children that think getting pregnant will be a peice of cake, and basically anyone who isn't focused on my conception.  What do you mean you want to talk about your vacation?  Don't you know I'm cycling here!  Boring!  Let's talk about me!  And I simply want to claw someone's eyes out when the complain about ANYTHING if they have kids.  Little jimmy's sick?  Shut up!  At least you have kids.  You have a headache?  Who cares, at least your uterus works. 

Sometimes I really don't like the person I'm becoming. 

The Two Week Wait, or 2WW, is the glorious period of time between ovulation and being able to a.) POAS or b.) greet that old bitch Aunt Flo.

I know I've written previously about the agony of second guessing every twinge during the 2ww.  Today I wanted to point out some good things about it. 

1.  No "wanding"
2.  No shots
3.  No getting up early to visit the RE before work
4.  No bruises on your arms from bloodwork (or at least fadded yellow bruises)
5.  No wondering if you can do more to make this cycle work
6.  Not temping at 5 AM

Actually it is kind of freeing.  I know that this is now out of my hands.  I am now either pregnant or not pregnant.  The decision has already been made and there is nothing I can do to change that outcome.  At this point I don't have to deal with percentages:  it is 50/50 - pregnant/not pregnant.

All that is left to do is pray.

And try not to hope too much.

My sweet DH gave me this card the morning of our IUI with a gift of a pair of infant shoes.

I think he's a keeper.

Wish I'd have seen this earlier
From fellow IF blogger Dawn:

National Infertility Survival Day Conceived As Special Day For Non-Moms

    WEST PALM BEACH, Fla., March 1 /PRNewswire/ -- The only thing worse than a
Grinch at Christmas time is a Grinch on Mother's Day. Yet that's just the way
millions of infertile women feel every year on the second Sunday in May.
    Instead, they can celebrate the first annual National Infertility Survival
Day on Sunday, May 2 -- the Sunday before Mother's Day -- to supplant their
frustration with joy. [more]

IF can make you really superstitious.  I think the knowledge that all of this is completely out of my hands makes me look to something I can control - even if it is illogical.  Coping mechanism perhaps?

The quest for the past week has been to find "signs" that I'm going to get pregnant.  On Mother's Day I cracked an egg with a double yolk.  Yesterday I got in my car and "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base was playing (I put a lot of stock in the first song I hear on the radio having an effect on my day.) 

This morning - the morning of my first IUI was all  good luck charms.  "Honey, what shirt was I wearing when we met?" (Goodwill fodder years ago).  I wore DH's earring from when I first met him (he has since moved on to "punkier" large-gage hoops).  I wore my chain with my Dad's and DH's dog tags.  Dad's dog tags got him through Vietnam so they must protect life.  I wore my "lucky" underwear (terribly uncomfortable things with a rhinestone heart as the apex of the g-string).  I wore two Turkish charm bracelets given to me by a Turkish friend who once red my coffee grounds and saw "fertility in my future" (this was 4 years ago - what the hell did she mean by "future").  I, of course, had on the bracelet that DH got me when I got my 2nd masters which I have vowed to not take off until I'm pregnant. 

Oh, the superstition does not stop.  I made DH kiss my belly this morning before I got out of bed and informed him that this would be a daily occurrence until our child is born or AF arrives. 

To make things fair and since we are dealing with male factor I kissed something of his too.  No, not that...the things responsible for sperm production.  Yes, those.  Yes, both of them.

Right as we were leaving I grabbed my lucky bear (also a gift from DH) from my keepsake chest. 

Short of sacrificing one of my dogs on a fertility altar I was ready.

We have an hour drive to our fertility clinic and of course there was a wreck on the expressway.  I called the andrology lab and they said take your time.  whew.  We listened to both of my Matisyahu CDs on the way there (not familiar? he's terrific, google him!  Don't be put off by his look.).  Like I said before I really believe in the power of music.  I credit my stellar ACT scores on repeated "One Day More" from Les Miserables on the way to the test back in 92.  Matisyahu lifted my spirit to a higher level.

When we finally got there, DH handed me a package as he was going into the "sample collection room."  (No, I don't go in with him - I can't help in any of the good ways (no saliva allowed ;) and he can just do it faster  himself).  He got me a card with beautiful sayings about "I believe..." (I'll post later).  On the inside it said " I believe in us."  In the gift bag was two beautiful, red infant shoes.  I cried.  In the waiting room.  Everyone was looking.  I love this man and I'm so glad I'm going to have a family with him.

I decided to call Mom to tell her what DH got me.  When I opened my phone (I have a Treo for which "opened" has no meaning but this is a bad habit of speech) and my sister has sent me a text message entitled "another sign" with an image of another double yolk egg she had cracked this morning.  (I will take this as a firm sign of my fertility not hers, thank you).

Once he was finished we have to wait an hour for "sperm washing" where they remove the seminal fluid and dead cells.  We collected in a fluid called human tubal fluid to prevent antibodies attaching to the sperm cells.  We got a package from the andrologist (who was ironically a very feminine woman) and headed up 8 floors to the OB/GYN where my RE operates out of.  I knew this in advance but was still stunned that they trusted us with this specimen.  I let DH carry it so, in accordance with tradition, he could "deliver the sperm."

The actual IUI was painless.  The Wonderful Nurse, who I had talked to on the phone repeatedly but never met (I do monitoring at a satellite office) greeted me with a hug.  She made the whole thing not only easy and painless by special.  I can't tell you how nice this was.  I had heard of Drs making the whole thing so clinical that you lose track of how special this event was.  She even hugged my DH!  I had been feeling left out that some of the other bloggers/bulletin board ladies are monitored and IUI'd by their RE.  Not now, I'd take the compassion and excitement of Wonderful Nurse any day.

Basically, I got in the stirrups (with baby shoe and bear in hand - Wonderful Nurse loved it), Wonderful Nurse did the speculum thing and passed the catheter into my uterus with no pain.  I was braced for pain because my HSG was so painful (done by my RE).  This didn't hurt at all.  When she had the syringe prepared and the catheter in place she let DH slowly push the sample into the catheter.  Voila!  Inseminated!

She left briefly to find out some info about the sample.  5.4 million, good swimmers, no agglutination (this is the antibody problem causing clumping).  So good news on the motility but kind of low numbers.  She reassured me that she's seen higher numbers with negatives and lower numbers with positives.  She gave us a card with beautiful images of fertilization and early embryo development.  She said that science may not understand it but imagery and guided thought does have an effect on  health.  AMEN.  I don't think my RE or DH's UR would say something like that.

Did I mention she is a Wonderful Nurse?

Then she dimmed the lights and we sat for 15 minutes talking and quietly visualizing the sperm reaching the egg and fertilizing.

We wanted to do something special afterwords so we went to the arboretum and walked among the lilacs and rhod (oh, no - I have no idea how to spell this) rhododendrons (that is so not it).  It was beautiful and it made the day special.  If we conceive we have a beautiful memory to go with it.

We also had lunch at Hooters (love their wings - bad feminist).  But we'll leave that part out of the memory!

Well, I "triggered" tonight at 10PM by injecting my single dose of Ovidrel (HCG).  Insemination on Tuesday!

Please, please, please, please, please give me a baby!

If (when) I get preggo this month I will be due...Valentine's Day.  Cool.

Please, please, please, please, please give me a Valentine's Baby!!!

Ultrasound this morning at 8am (on a Saturday!  Oh, the humanity*).  Still  one follie.  About 16mm.  e2 of 283 (finally over 200!) 225IU of Bravelle tonight, HCG trigger/BD on Sunday, abstain on Mon, IUI on Tuesday. 

I should be excited but I'm so disappointed at only having one egg I could cry (oh, wait, I have cried!).  With "significant" male factor it just seems painful to get my hopes up that this will be it for us.   I can't seem to muster any hope of getting preggo this cycle but I'm trying to see some positives:  (1) the RE can recommend some different protocol for next cycle and (2) the UR can see a post-wash specimen and give us some advice about proceeding.

A huge thanks to everyone who has commented on my blog.  I'm kind of writing this in a vacuum - just venting (and using bad words, sorry).  It is touching to know that someone out there is reading this.  It makes me feel less alone.  THANKS!

*Note, if you even think about saying "it is good practice for having kids," I'll gouge your eyes out with a spoon.

Had another wonderful ultrasound today and I have only 1 follie growing measurably at 10mm and tons of others still under 10mm.  They don't want to up my dosage of meds because they don't want the "tons of others" catching up.  I'm so pissed.  One egg I can do on my own without shooting myself full of hormones every night!  The whole point was to provide more targets for the spermies!

This feels so hopeless.  All this effort for what amounts to a 10% chance. 

:(

e2: 59

The "wand" is the beautiful instrument used to perform a vaginal ultrasound. 

Pause...

Get a mental picture...

Got it?

They basically look at three things:  estradoil (e2) level through bloodwork, the lining of the  uterus, and the count and size of any existing follicles.

I had many follicles but nothing over 10mm yet.  They upped my dose of Bravelle to 225 IU.  Return on Thursday.

e2: 29

DH had his variococele ultrasound today.  It is small and not our primary problem.  the ASAs are the bigger problem.  We got the results below although I haven't researched what the hell any of this means:

IgA 31%
IgG   26%
Head and Tailtip binding

Once again, the urologist, like the RE, recommends in vitro.  I could just scream.  Why us?  It is so fucking unfair I could just throw up.  Shooting myself up with hormones for what amounts to a less than 10% chance. 

Meanwhile...in some fucking ghetto...a crack whore is giving birth to her 4th drug-addled kid...who she will ignore, not love, exploit and who will ultimately also be a crack whore/crack pimp.  What the fuck is up with that?

It was so much easier when I pretended I didn't care.

That is not entirely true since, of course, I do have a mother.  A wonderful mother!  Mother's Day is just the most awful time to be infertile.  On this day we are absolutely surrounded by fertiles.  Every store, every commercial, every person on the street is a reminder that this unattainable state is easy for everyone else. 

I dare to hope that this, my 7th motherless Mother's Day, may be my last.

We injected our first fertility drug tonight!

I picked up the meds at my local Walgreens.  My Insurance company uses Walgreen's Specialty.  All the meds were there but no needles.  I had to buy them separately because someone "forgot."  How did they expect me to get the meds into my body?  Bite open the ampule and drink it?

When DH got home from work I was excited to get it over with.  I laid everything out and mixed the two vials of powder per 1 cc of saline.  Then prepared the injection site on my stomach for DH to stick me.  This is where it all went horribly wrong. DH kept hesitating and then right when he'd go to do it I'd have another instruction for him.  Then I felt lightheaded and had to sit down.  I think the thought of the shot almost made me pass out.  Ok, move to the couch and I lie down.  We discuss the merits of counting to three vs. just sticking it in.  Finally he just jabs it in - it doesn't really hurt at all.  Just a little pain when he injects the meds.  That's what we were all worried about?

 I must have had a lot of pent up stress about this because I broke down crying afterwards.  It was part relief, part "why us?", and part hilarity at both of our reactions!

I think it is a huge relief to have the first shot under our belts.

My hubby gave me a wonderful present tonight:


Road Construction Sign Generator

Ain't he sweet?

This should be the tag line of the catholic church.

***Note: My dear friend, Z, should probably not read this as I plan to scathingly rip the catholic doctrine to shreds.  That being said I know many catholic people that are good and decent.***

If you managed to look past today's indictment of a catholic priest for committing a heinously ritualistic murder, you may have seen this story: 

Teacher says she was fired over in vitro:  Wisconsin woman was told procedure violated school's Catholic doctrine

Let's overlook for a moment that she was grossly discriminated against by being fired only after she became pregnant (I'll let a legal blogger tackle that one).  What infuriates me is that the catholic church has the unmitigated gall to call in vitro fertilization (IVF) "morally wrong."

Morally wrong?

I don't think the catholic church would recognize "morally wrong" if it walked up and licked them.

Let's review for a moment some things that the catholic church found morally right:


And that is just a quick three-minute brainstorm.

As with most of the stupidity of the catholic church, this asinine belief about IVF is actually written down!  The Donum Vitae.  Read at your own risk.  This is like being in a room with Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, AND Rush Limbaugh.

A brief summary:  the catholic church says that any conception that takes place outside the "marital bed" is morally corrupt (do you have to do it missionary, too?).  This includes IUI, IVF, and all donor-related and surrogate reproduction.  Some of their arguments have to do with embryo destruction, selective reduction, etc.  These are things that I would have expected from the church.  However they also condemn these reproductive technologies when no life is destroyed - when life is only being created because it wasn't created through the act of marital "union."

A choice line from the Donum Vitae:
"The human person must be accepted in his parents' act of union and love; the generation of a child must therefore be the fruit of that mutual giving."

Clearly the men who wrote this doctrine (which I'd like to point out are celibate priests one of which is the current pope) have no idea what IF treatments like IUI and IVF entail.  Choosing to undergo the expense, pain, and emotional turmoil of IF treatment is not entered into lightly.  These couples have so much love to give a child and so much conviction that they can nurture a life that they are willing to be tested, probed, stuck with needles, and endure years of waiting for a child.  Their commitment to becoming parents is the ultimate "act of union and love."

An all knowing God will see this love in their hearts.

Just as he can see the hate in the hearts of the men who would deny a couple the beauty of creating life.

Shame on the catholic church.  Will they never learn?

Joyce from the Resolve.org bulletin boards wrote this letter to the Boston Globe editor:

"I am sure that there will be many articles and opinions honoring moms on Mother's Day next Sunday. I have a mom, and I am greatful that I have a mom, especially since I am adopted. Mother's Day holds a special meaning for moms who adopt ...   more »